Carved In Stone
by KellynKupcake
Summary: Iruka has a secret and it almost kills Kakashi. Luckily Tenzou is there to help pick up the pieces of his Senpai's shattered life. (Warning: Cheating Iruka with eventual KakaYama)
1. Chapter 1

It had started by accident really. A simple misunderstanding. He mused as he ran his tongue down the others throat.

He had meant to stop after the first time. But if he was being honest, he hadn't wanted to. It just felt too good. It was too new; too exciting.

A smile graced his lips as he thrust hard in to his lover. "Iruka." She practically purred, clawing at his back.

He tried not to think about Kakashi. Where he was now. What he was doing. What it would do to him to know where he was right now. How he would react to finding his partner with another.

She interrupted his thoughts, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him closer to her with her calves. He groaned, relishing in the feel of her.

"Fuck me." She whispered seductively, biting her lower lip. He moaned, thrusting harder, deeper.

Kakashi was gone from his mind. Long forgotten in the throes of passion.

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi sat cross legged on their bed, leaning back against the wall. He watched the clock tick over to 10pm. He was beginning to get worried. Iruka had just gone out for drinks. He would be home soon. Or so he said.

He was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate on his book. Something about tonight not feeling right. Iruka hadn't been around much lately. Starting work early, finishing work late, and going out for drinks. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. Unfortunately for Kakashi, he happened to be one. His heart thumped loudly in his chest as he forced himself to reread the same paragraph for a 6th time.

It was his fault really. If he had of taken more time off or gone on less missions. Perhaps Iruka wouldn't feel the need to spend so much time with his friends. After all he needed someone to hang around with while Kakashi was away or he would get lonely.

Lonely like _he_ was right now. Lonely like _he_ had been nearly every night for at least the last 3 weeks.

He shut his book with a quick snap. He had been putting this off for far too long. It was time to know for sure. His hand shook as he lifted it to nick his thumb on his tooth. Leaning over he slammed his hand down on the window sill, watching impatiently as Pakkun appeared out of thin air.

"What's up boss?" He asked. He could practically smell the sadness radiating from him, but voiced no concern.

"I want to find Iruka." He said softly. "Can you help me?"

"Of course I can." Pakkun answered cheerily. "Find me something of his so I can make sure I'm looking for the right scent."

Kakashi stood, pulling his mask up as he rummaged through some clothes on the floor. He picked up a shirt and set it down in front of Pakkun as he tied on his headband, pulling it down over his Sharingan.

The dog grimaced as he got a whiff of the shirt. It definitely smelt like Iruka, but also someone else. Someone that was not his master. In fact he couldn't smell Kakashi's scent at all. He sighed inwardly. He understood now why his friend had summoned him at this hour and why he could feel Kakashi's nerves as if they were his own.

"Alright. I got it. Let's go." The pug ordered as the Jounin tied a scarf around his neck. It was starting to snow. Only lightly, but enough to chill the room as he opened the window.

Leaping from it he followed the Ninken through the village, occasionally jumping down in to the street only to be lead back up to the rooftops again. His heart continued to thump loudly, rattling his ribcage. He knew Iruka wasn't having drinks with his friends. He knew he hadn't been working late either. Or helping Naruto with something. Lame excuses, all of them. But he needed him. He needed him for life to be okay again. Life was so bad… So not worth living. But Iruka made it worth it.

He refused to believe that after all this time he had finally decided it was okay to let someone else in to his heart. To let them through the numerous defences he used to make sure no one ever really got to know him. Let him see through his sarcasm, laziness, stubbornness, arrogance and even his confidence. He let him see the real him. The small boy that had found his Father dead. The unwanted child that grew up with no friends, because when he finally, finally made some, they died… because of him. The kid that started wearing a mask to be taken seriously at a young age. That was now a war veteran Jounin that wore it so that people would not be able to see his pain. The teenager that loved his Sensei like a Father and was absolutely destroyed when he was killed.

The man, that carried so much guilt around every day, sometimes he was not sure how he managed to get up in the mornings before Iruka made it worth it.

He refused to believe that after all that. Iruka would betray him. But there he was… running his tongue down some woman's throat as she screamed his name. He was grunting, panting and screaming hers.

Pakkun had stopped on a branch of a large tree, right outside the bedroom window of an apartment complex he had never visited. Kakashi hadn't realised they had stopped at first, too lost in his own thoughts. But when his eye had focused on the truth in front of him he understood why the dog was muttering obscenities and huffing.

Tears stung his eye as he clutched at his heart, refusing to let them fall. His world crumbled around him and his knees felt weak. His breath coming in short, stuttered gasps.

He was right. He had lost someone else. Someone he had promised to protect, to love and to cherish. One more person for the long list of loss. His heart beat hard. So painful in his chest as he thought about the memorial stone. About Obito, Rin and Sensei. Iruka's name may as we'll be carved next to theirs. Because he was lost to Kakashi.

Pakkun looked up at his master from the branch they were both knelt on, worry crossing his tiny face.

"Boss?" He asked. "You alright?"

Kakashi nodded faintly, his eyes closed. He was in pain, emotional and physical. Pakkun moved closer to him, rubbing his cheek on the man's calf. "There's no point in watching. It's just hurting you."

The Jounin nodded his agreement, trying his best to stand, stumbling slightly. He made to jump from the branch but his feet failed him. He vaguely heard Pakkun yell after him as he fell with a thump in to the thin layer of snow under the tree. He opened his eyes, his body felt numb. He stared up at the falling snow, flowing delicately around him. Pakkun's face appearing in front of him. He saw the concern in the dog's eyes but muttered reassurance and he scooped him up and formed the seals to teleport back to his empty apartment.

OoOoOoOo

It was well over 3 hours later before Kakashi felt Iruka's chakra advancing towards the bedroom they share. He stared at the wall in front of him, trying in vain to sink further in to the sheets, his hands clenched in to fists bringing the quilt close to his chest. Pakkun yawned at his feet, a small very canine sound coming from his throat.

Iruka slipped in to bed behind him and Kakashi felt his breath hitch as an arm snaked over his side and a hand pulled his out of its fisted state, fingers lacing with his.

"Drinks ran late." Iruka whispered, his breath hot on the other man's ear. "I missed you."

Kakashi felt the sudden urge to vomit rising in him and willed it back down forcefully. He smelt like sex. He hadn't even showered.

He wanted to scream. To throw his partner across the room and beat him to a pulp. To accuse him of what he knew to be true and to cry as the Chunin confessed to his sins. But most of all he wanted to be held. To be comforted. His heart was hurting and he wanted someone to help him stop it. He trembled as the hand that was laced with his squeezed lightly.

He allowed the teacher's hands to caress his arms and side, lovingly. Pretending to be asleep as the smooth fingers cupped his unmasked face. It took all of his concentration to keep his features neutral and stop his face from contorting in agony. Pakkun moved up the bed to curl against Kakashi's front; his tail beat happily against his chest, reminding him of a slow and steady heartbeat. He wondered if the pug did it on purpose, knowing it would calm him. He wasn't usually one for cuddling, so he suspected so. The Jounin was extremely grateful to the dog that knew him so well. He would never ask his Ninken for the comfort he needed. Pakkun knew this and decided to offer it anyway.

Part of him wished Iruka would just embrace him. Wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight, holding the hurt at bay. But he did no such thing. Slowly the light petting stopped and the Chunin rolled over to face the other direction. Kakashi exhaled sharply as the pain in his chest worsened.

 _Does he still love me?_

OoOoOoOo

The Jounin awoke in the morning to an empty bed. His heart sank as he thought about the night before and wondered gloomily why Iruka had gone to work without saying goodbye or if he had even gone to work at all.

Pakkun's small nails clipped on the wooden floor as he approached the bed. Jumping up he padded over to the copy Nin's face and dropped a small scroll in front of him. He petted the dog's head, an unspoken thank you and a promise to get up and feed him soon.

Unrolling the scroll he wasn't surprised to see Iruka's hastily scrawled hand writing letting him know he was sorry for leaving so early and didn't want to wake him because he looked like he didn't sleep very well. The note hadn't elaborated on where he had gone but Kakashi supposed it was assumed he went to the academy. Because after all, it was a work day.

"What time did he leave?" He asked the pug as he peered over at his alarm clock.

 _10am._

How long had he been gone for? He didn't really want to know.

"About 5am." The pup answered, watching his boss's face sadly. Kakashi nodded, leaving the words: _'Work starts at 8.'_ unsaid. He didn't want Pakkun to feel sorry for him, regardless of the fact that he had practically spooned with him the night before.

Slowly he stood. First order of business was to feed Pakkun. A thank you for the security he offered at this sad time.

Reluctantly, he showered; lingering a little longer than usual under the warm spray. He was already 2 hours late to meet his team. What was another hour really?

He didn't want to go. He wanted to crawl back in to bed and never wake up again. Part of him wanted to go to the Academy and confront Iruka, but the other part wanted to keep on pretending he didn't know. Because once the secret was out… what was the point in keeping it a secret anymore. He thought miserably. Iruka would leave him, move on with that beautiful woman and they would be happy forever while Kakashi slipped quietly in to the Hokage's office, demanding a solo mission that would 'go wrong'. He mused as he dressed. He would be considered a hero for giving his life for Konoha. He could have his name carved in to the stone next to his friends and he could finally move on, never feeling pain again.

He made his way to the bridge where he was supposed to meet his team, skipping breakfast all together. He felt too sick to eat anyway. Dark thoughts kept clouding his mind. He felt like it was being torn in half. Stay with Iruka and be quietly tortured every day for the rest of his life, or however long the Chunin could keep up the charade…. Or quietly slip away. Iruka would be upset at first. But it would be for the best.

 _He would be happier in the end. I wouldn't be there to hold him back anymore._

He thought, his heart feeling like it may have stopped beating for a second. The bridge was coming in to sight. He needed to get a hold of himself.

OoOoOoOo

"Finalllllyyyyy!" Came the long drawn out drone of an impatient Jinchuriki as the Sensei approached his team.

"Don't you normally teleport here?" Sakura asked tenaciously.

 _Sasuke was right. She IS annoying._

"Well today I decided to walk." He answered, his visible eye crinkling in a smile while he mouth stayed impartial.

"But you were _already_ late." Naruto piped up again.

"I'm afraid I got lost on the path of life." Kakashi stated, somewhat whimsically. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"At least come up with some new excuses." He glared. Kakashi wondered if punching the last Uchiha in the village would cost him his job. Probably not. Konoha was pretty short staffed at the moment.

"Hey! Are you even listening Kakashi Sensei?!" Naruto shouted, bounding towards him. "Let's go! I want to get our training done!" He was practically vibrating with enthusiasm.

"Why are you so eager to be done? Usually you're the last one to want to leave." Kakashi asked as he led them towards the training grounds. The snow from the night before had melted, leaving everything feeling slightly mushy, yet strangely fresh. Kakashi's sandals squished in to the moist ground as he listened to the boy's explanation.

"Kiba has started a betting pool. Tonight we are all getting together and putting in our candy and then we are going to have a Shogi tournament! And I got a hot tip this morning about a certain someone. I need to get to the store to buy more candy before it closes so I can get in on it. I… kinda ate all mine while I was waiting for you Sensei."

Kakashi smiled at the boy's light heartedness.

 _Who would have thought that boy had had such a terrible childhood? He's so… chipper. What's wrong with me?_

It was a longer explanation than he had expected but an amusing one that had taken them almost all the way to their destination. Sasuke elbowed the blonde, hard.

"Just go ahead and tell all the adults why don't you?" He snapped sarcastically.

"I don't care, I won't tell anyone." Kakashi said in his familiar lazy drawl. He sat down against his favourite tree and pulled Icha Icha Paradise from his back pouch.

 _Children gambling. Reading porn in public. I'm not exactly one to turn my nose up at social taboos._

"Do the… Thing with the targets." He yawned, pointing in the general direction of the Shuriken practise targets. The three of them exchanged a look. Kakashi had always been lazy. But this was a new level of lazy.

"Are you alright Kakashi Sensei?" Sakura asked cautiously, bending down to his eye level.

"Yep." He answered, not meeting her eyes and turning the page he had just pretended to read. "Targets." He reiterated, pointing again. They stepped back, eyeing him suspiciously as they moved towards the boards and began practise. Each of them made a mental note to watch him carefully for a while. If his behaviour continued like this for any longer than a couple of days they would have to tell someone. They hated seeing their Sensei out of sorts.

Kakashi sighed, his eye sliding out of focus and trying to think about something other than his personal life. He really had intended to read his book. But the page he had opened on was incredibly graphic. As he began reading about Junko, panting as a dark and handsome man ploughed his pulsing member in to her; he had thought about the night before. The nameless woman that was also panting, moaning and crying out. But she was screaming Iruka's name. His Iruka.

He shuddered, closing the book and putting it away. Instead choosing to let his unfocused eye wonder towards his team. He wasn't stupid and neither were they. He knew if he kept this up someone would say something to someone. The first someone most likely being Naruto and the second being Iruka. That's just what he needed. A nosey 13 year old telling his cheating boyfriend that he hadn't been teaching him properly.

He closed his eye, his head starting to hurt. Pretending to supervise was exhausting.

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi's heart leapt as he walked in to his apartment, recognising Iruka's chakra immediately. He was _actually_ home. He pulled down his mask, grinning excitedly. It had been a long time since his partner was home before him. Regardless of what he now knew, he couldn't help being excited at the prospect of spending time with the Chunin. He was so lonely of late. Feeling incredibly neglected.

"Hey." Iruka smiled, as he entered from the bedroom, walking straight passed him to flop down on the couch, pulling a stack of ungraded papers towards him. Kakashi felt foolish, pulling his mask back in place when he realised the other wasn't going to kiss him.

 _Of course he wasn't… He doesn't need to…_

Iruka eyed him suspiciously. "What's wrong?" He asked. "You don't usually wear your mask at home. Feeling self-conscious?" He teased. Kakashi waved him off, pretending to smile like he had earlier. Iruka was joking of course but the Jounin suddenly realised he had never felt more small, unworthy and self-conscious in his entire life.

At a loss of what to do now he walked in to their bedroom and through to the adjoining bathroom. He locked the door behind him, pulling down his mask once again to expose his face, flushed from embarrassment. He stared at himself in the mirror for a while, wondering why he ever took the mask off. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he rubbed at them harshly with the back of his hand. Iruka had no idea what he had done to him with those words and if he did, he didn't care. He changed in to the pyjamas he had worn the night before, forgoing a shower. His boyfriend obviously didn't want to be near his body right now, so it didn't matter. He was getting all the closeness he needed from another.

A thought struck him suddenly. He gaped for a second. Surely not. He was a ninja. He would be able to sense if someone else had been here… But… Would he? In their bed? No… He was being stupid. He had already seen her once today…

He tried to swallow the lump in his throat as bile began to rise. He failed, leaning over the sink and throwing up the contents of his stomach which wasn't much as he hadn't eaten all day. He dry reached as quietly as possible. The last thing he needed was for Iruka to think he was sick. He would either come running and find him locked in the bathroom, barely holding himself together or he would just listen from the lounge room and continue grading his papers. He wasn't sure which was worse.

He wiped at his mouth and watery eyes as he turned the tap on to wash away the evidence of his discomfort. He felt shaky. It was so hard to take normal breaths but he ignored it. Pushing the thoughts back as he fought like crazy to keep pretending everything was normal. Everything was okay. _He_ was okay.

Finally leaving the bathroom he hovered for a second in the bedroom. Not really wanting to be near his lover right now, but wanting so badly to curl up next to him. The Chunin's hands running over his body, kissing him and telling him everything he was trying so hard to convince himself of was true. Everything was ok. _He_ was ok. He needed someone to tell him that before he really did slip away.

It had been weeks since they really had any close contact besides light petting in bed. Weeks since they made love. He thought bitterly. That in its self was a sign that things were not normal. Kakashi's pinpointed the start of the affair to somewhere in the beginning of last month. The two years they had spent together before that were filled with so much passion. Beautiful, tantric, erotic sex that would make even Jiraiya blush. But somewhere along the line it had stopped.

At first he hadn't thought it odd. Iruka was often tired when he came home from the academy. A full day of running around after children does that to you. When the Chunin had gently removed his roaming hands and told him he wasn't up to it, he had thought nothing of it. It wasn't until 2 weeks later when he had come home from a 4 day mission. He had found himself hiding from Iruka, masturbating quietly in the bathroom like a horny teenager after being rejected for what felt like the 100th. That was when he started to worry that something was amiss. Iruka was always waiting for him when he got home. Arms wide opened and penis hard as a rock.

Kakashi sighed dejectedly. If he didn't leave the bedroom soon the other man would come looking for him. Or would he? He winced at a sharp pain in the chest as he thought about how much longer he could keep this up. How long would it be before Iruka left him all together?

 _Another one gone_

His steps faltered as he left the bedroom. He toppled slightly, grabbing the door frame for support. Iruka looked up at him from his papers.

"You alright?" He asked, half heatedly. Kakashi nodded.

"Just tired." He answered, making his way towards the kitchen. A month ago his partner would have rushed to his side, demanding he seek out a doctor after a small stumble.

 _I guess he just doesn't care anymore…_

He pushed back the thought. Encouraging himself to function like a normal human. Pulling vegetables from the fridge and setting up a cutting board.

"Dinner?" He asked hopefully as he started chopping.

 _At least he will sit with me while we eat._

"Uh… Yeah?" Iruka answered uncertainly.

"What?" Kakashi asked, focusing on the vegetables. Struggling hard to keep his fingers out of the way of the knife.

 _Or… maybe not._

"Well I have to go out for a bit. But I'll hopefully be back in time for dinner." He said, as he stood. Kakashi's hand stilled. He put the knife down next to the cutting board, staring at it for a second.

"Where are you going?" he forced himself to ask, trying to remain calm. He knew where the dolphin was going. The thought made him want to take that knife and shove it through his stomach.

 _That's how Hatake's solve their problems isn't it?_

"I told Naruto I'd help him put up a shelf." Iruka lied through his teeth as he pulled on his jacket. Kakashi felt another twinge in his heart as he recalled his earlier conversation with Naruto. He doubted Iruka was in on their betting pool. The Chunin would never condone such things. He eyed the knife longingly. "I wish I could stay and help with dinner but this really can't wait." Iruka continued, digging his own grave deeper. The Jounin exhaled shakily, not wanting to turn around and give Iruka another reason to leave. He was an elite Shinobi. They didn't cry. Iruka didn't need to see him cry.

"Don't go." He said, his voice as even as he could muster. Iruka turned to look at him incredulously.

"I won't be gone long." He scoffed, heading towards the door. Kakashi's hands fisted on the countertop.

"Don't go." He repeated, more forcefully this time. Iruka stopped in front of the door and sighed. If he noticed the other man's shoulders shaking he didn't acknowledge it.

"Ok, ok. I promise I'll be back within the hour. I won't miss dinner." He said reassuringly, turning the knob. Kakashi tuned around to watch as the other man slipped through the door.

"Please don't go!" He heard himself pleading. "Please!" The hurt in his voice caught Iruka off guard. He stepped back inside in time to see Kakashi clenching at his chest, pain etched on his tear stained face as he swayed slightly before falling backwards against the counter and sliding down it. In the 5 steps it took Iruka to cross the apartment his partners breathing had become extremely erratic. The copy Nin sobbed openly, vaguely aware of the other man shaking his shoulders and calling his name. His vision blurred and the room swirled as he finally lost consciousness.

OoOoOoOo

"M'lady. You're needed in the hospital right away!" Shizune shouted, worry clearly crossing her features as she hopped nervously from one foot to the other.

"What's the problem?" Tsunade snapped, pushing the books on her desk aside so she could get a good look at her assistant.

"It's Kakashi Sensei Mam… We think he's had a heart attack."

"A heart attack? Hatake?" She confirmed as she rounded her desk.

"Yes M'lady. Kakashi Hatake."

Tsunade laughed, pushing past her friend and bustling in to the corridor. Shizune wasn't sure what was funny and was afraid to ask.

"Hatake is one of the most elite Jounin we have. He's fit and perfectly healthy. He eats well and barely ever drinks. He doesn't smoke. I highly doubt he has had a heart attack." The Godaime sneered, looking over her shoulder at the other woman. "This better not be one of his tricks to try and get out of work." She warned. "This better be serious."

Iruka paced nervously outside the room Kakashi had been taken in to when he teleported them in to emergency. He heard the heavy bustle and shuffling of footsteps and knew who was on her way. He looked up anyway, wanting to catch her eye as she walked passed him. To his surprise she stopped in front of him.

"Don't worry Sensei. I'm sure he's fine." She said simply before entering the room, leaving him to nod at Shizune, who smiled faintly before following inside.

"He hasn't had a heart attack." The medical Nin in the room reported without being asked. "But he has had heart attack like symptoms. Sharp chest pains and shortness of breath. He briefly lost consciousness, which was _lucky_ because I doubt we would have been allowed to examine him if he hadn't." He added, turning to glare at Kakashi who was sitting up in the hospital bed. Shirtless and to Tsunade's surprise, maskless.

Kakashi glared back, the Sharingan spinning wildly. Tsunade took the chart from the medical Nin and dismissed him and Shizune, instructing her to tell Iruka outside to wait there until she called on him. She made her way over to the silver haired man, stopping next to his bed and smiling wearily.

"Now listen here brat." She started, annoyance clearly in her tone but also a hint of something he couldn't decipher. "There is clearly something wrong with you and we are going to get to the bottom of this. I'm trying to help you so you need to work with me. No tricks, no deceptions, no games. Understand?"

Kakashi nodded, avoiding her gaze. She felt bad for him. It was amazing just how much he hid under that mask. She had seen him without it before of course, being the Hokage and the person who took over his work physicals.. He was a handsome man. She had often wondered why he wore it. But now… Now she understood. Without the mask she could see the minor flush of embarrassment and the slight wetness on his cheeks from his earlier tears. The pain that he probably thought was so masterfully hidden was written on his impartial face for the world to see. She felt that without his mask she could see in to his soul. The real Kakashi Hatake was sitting in front of her. Not the lazy, disinterested fake that she had been dealing with all these years.

Her thoughts were interrupted by his sad eyes locking on to hers. She could tell he was suffering from extreme emotional stress just by looking at him. It was hard to be professional with someone she cared about. She wasn't exactly close with Kakashi but she suspected that in reality, she was probably closer than he ever allowed anyone else to get.

She moved towards him, focusing some Chakra in to her hands and moving them over his chest. She was sure without examining him that she already knew what was wrong. But she had to check for herself that he had not had a heart attack. She would never forgive herself if she assumed his heart was healthy and he died from it later.

Confirming her suspicions she, she stepped back, hands on hips.

"Kakashi." She started, not quite sure what to say. "I think you have Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy."

"I'm not a medical Nin." He said softly, annoyance in his own tone.

"It's a condition caused by severe emotional stress. The symptoms mimic that of a heart attack. But it's actually just a temporary weakening of the heart muscle. You should be fine. Provided you get treatment."

She was surprised when he didn't object. He just sat there, staring at the sheet over his lap. He didn't object to the notion of treatment. But most worryingly, he didn't object to the idea of himself being under emotional stress.

Kakashi Hatake was a proud man. For him to willingly admit weakness must mean something was terribly wrong. She suspected all the tragedy surrounding him had finally caught up to him. She knew it would one day.

Every Jounin in her village was subjected to regular mandatory counciling. Most of them benefited from it. Kakashi however, remained silent for the whole hour. Either reading his smut or sleeping. Much to the councillor's dismay. He never had anything to report about the Copy Nin, except for the fact that he was obviously in deep denial. She knew he would break one day. It was just a matter of when.

"Have you been spending extra time at the memorial stone lately?" She offered, trying to get him to start talking so they could get to the bottom of what was causing the problem. He shook his head, his hands fisting in the sheets.

"I haven't been in weeks." He said faintly. "No one died. But…" He stopped himself before he could say the words.

 _I've lost someone._

Saying them would make them real. He was not about to lose it again. Not in front of Tsunade. He would never live it down.

"But what?" She asked. She wasn't going to let it go. The heart monitor beeped loudly as his heartbeat sped up. The pains in his chest returned and he found himself wrapping his arms around himself, breathing deeply, trying to calm down. She hurt for him, he was obviously incredibly distressed.

"I'll get Iruka for you." She said, taking a step before his hand was on her wrist.

"No." He said simply. She stared at him.

"You need to be comforted right now brat and I'm hardly the best person for the job."

"No." He repeated weakly. "He's the reason." He elaborated. Tsunade gawked.

"What?" She asked, not quite sure what he meant by that. Had they broken up?

"He…. He's got… H-he's cheating on me." He finally stuttered out. His face and neck turning a bright shade of red as he admitted his biggest insecurity. He was pathetic. Sitting in front of the most powerful woman in Konoha. The leader of the village. About to lose it. About to cry. Holding her wrist to…

He suddenly realized he wasn't only holding her wrist to stop her from getting Iruka. It was to stop her from leaving all together. He let go abruptly, pulling his hand away as if he had been burned and sitting it in his lap. It was shaking. Her heart broke for him. He was such a proud man… so private. But now his life was on display. His deepest fears exposed and coming true before his eyes. She exhaled slowly as she realized that his biggest fear, the one he tried so adamantly to hide from everyone around him with his mask and his fake personality… was being alone.

"What's the treatment plan like?" He suddenly asked, closing his eyes. He didn't want Iruka in here. He didn't want her to leave. He didn't want to be here. His mind reeled as he tried to work out what he _DID_ want. He didn't really care what the treatment involved. He just wanted to focus the conversation on something else. Anything else…

"I think I can do something for you now. But long term treatment will be different." She answered sadly. He nodded wearily in understanding. His eyes opened in shock as he felt her arms wrap around him. She hugged him tight, patting his back softly. "This is not your fault." She whispered in his ear. He felt his resolve start to fall at the unexpected comfort. His eyes watering involuntarily. His cheeks flushed even further at the prospect of him, the great copy Nin, weeping in front of the Godaime. "This is not your fault Kakashi." She repeated, seemingly following his train of thought.

"It is." He choked out, anger filling him at how vulnerable he sounded. "I could have been a better…"

"It's not." She repeated, cutting him off and squeezing him even tighter. To his horror he felt his muscles relax as his body gave in to the embrace he desperately needed. It had been so long since someone had held him. Properly held him. His forehead fell on to her shoulder as she sat down on his bed, her arms still fixed tightly around his shaking shoulders.

"You'll be staying here tonight." She whispered sweetly. "I want to keep you attached to the heart monitors and frankly, it wouldn't do you any good to send you home alone anyway."

Kakashi whimpered softly, his tears wetting her shirt and his hands fisting at the back of her jacket. His small cries turning in to sobs as he felt the tension from the past few days start to leave his body.

When he had first gotten with Iruka he realised that it had been over 10 years since someone had hugged him and it nearly tore him apart. He had been suppressing his need for comfort, pretending it didn't exist. But Iruka broke through that wall and was there to pick him up afterwards. He hated how needy loving someone had made him. He never needed anyone before. He was fine being alone.

With a harsh cry he realised that it had been nearly a month since Iruka had hugged him. Really hugged him. He shook uncontrollably as Tsunade held him to her, whispering softly in his ear, reassuring him everything was fine. Petting his back lightly and running her hands through his hair.

She really shouldn't be taking such a personal interest in a patient. But she felt a strong maternal instinct to protect the boy. He was still young after all. Unmarried and childless. She would not let him end up like Sakumo.

"It's alright Kakashi." She sighed, swiping the tears away from his cheeks. "Hang in there."

OoOoOoOo

Iruka's patience was wearing thin. He continued pacing irritably up and down the hospital corridor. There was something wrong with Kakashi. His Kakashi and no one would tell him a thing. Tsunade was taking her time in that room. All of the worst scenarios possible had been running through his head since they arrived. Whatever she had to tell Kakashi, it wasn't good news. He was sure of it.

Finally his patience snapped. He strode up to the door defiantly sliding it opened. Moving inside he stopped dead, his mouth falling opened in shock. Tsunade's head snapped up, a scowl crossing her features as she realised it was the teacher that had invaded Kakashi's privacy. The one person he shouldn't be seeing right now.

Iruka floundered for a second, not sure if it was best to stay or go. Either way he was going to endure the Godaime's wrath. She stood abruptly, squeezing Kakashi's shoulder one last time, then leaning down and whispering something before powering towards him. He felt his stomach lurch. The last thing he had expected to see was his boyfriend crying. He must have gotten terrible news.

"Lady Tsunade." Iruka began, intent to get to the bottom of the situation.

"Outside Umino!" She ordered, practically grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and throwing him. She closed the door behind her as he rubbed his neck in surprise.

"What's the matter with Kakashi?" He asked lamely, leaning back slightly as she took another step towards him.

"Kakashi has Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy." She said sternly, glowering at him, even though she knew she shouldn't be bias. Iruka's eyes widened. That sounded serious.

"What is it?" He asked, worry evident in his wavering voice.

"It's a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart, caused by emotional stress."

"Emotional stress?" Iruka repeated.

"The laymens term for it is Broken Heart Syndrome." She continued.

"Broken Heart Syndrome… But, why?" Iruka asked again, his head spinning. "Kakashi has been perfectly happy of late… He's even stopped going to the memorial stone as often." He mused, more to himself than the Hokage.

"He knows, Iruka." She said simply, walking passed him.

"Knows what?" He asked, his eyes following her. She turned her head to face him, her eyes boring in to him.

"He knows." She repeated somewhat cryptically, before moving on her way. Iruka thought for a second. Thought back to the days before, the weeks before, the months before. His blood ran cold as he had a sudden realisation.

 _He knows…_


	2. Chapter 2

Iruka stared at the door, unsure how to proceed. He knew his partner was behind that door. He knew the man needed comfort. But he wasn't sure he was the right person to give it.

It killed him to know he had hurt Kakashi so deeply. The man had put his trust in him. Trusted him to never hurt him. To protect him and he had failed. Now the copy Nin was in the hospital, reduced to tears by his actions. He felt sick with himself. He hadn't really seriously considered getting caught or what it would mean. Every time he saw _her_ it was _'the last time.'_ He never really meant to go back. But she was so alluring.

The first time he met with her he hadn't lied to Kakashi. He really was going out for drinks with a friend. Or so he thought. Unfortunately for him, there was a misunderstanding. His new colleague had assumed his friendly invitation was a date.

After a pleasant evening that seemed blatantly platonic in Iruka's mind he found himself being invited in to her apartment for coffee. He politely declined. Coffee that late at night and after alcohol wasn't a good idea. She had chuckled at his innocence, pulling him closer and kissing him passionately before he could react. The Sake had slowed his reaction time considerably. It was then he understood why Kakashi regularly chose to forgo drinking. He was a man that needed to be in control, and when he drank he felt like he had lost that closely guarded aspect of his life.

The kiss had only lasted a couple of seconds. Iruka opened his mouth to protest. To tell her he was in a stable relationship with a man he loved. To apologise for leading her on. But the words never came. He was incredibly aroused, his cock straining against his pants painfully from just that small kiss. He couldn't break himself away, no matter how badly he wanted to leave.

Grabbing her roughly he pulled her flush against him, grinding her in to his erection. They both moaned as he took her mouth, crushing it against his. He was never allowed to be in control before. It was more exciting than he had imagined. He understood why Kakashi needed to feel this way.

 _Kakashi!_

He had pulled back suddenly, realising his mistake.

"I…" He started, staring in to her eyes. "I can't…"

She cut him off with another rough kiss, her hand palming his cock through his pants. The fight was over. His body took control of his brain as she shoved him inside her apartment, locking the door behind her.

Iruka shook himself from his thoughts. He was becoming aroused just remembering. Guilt washed over him as he remembered why he was standing in a hospital corridor. Kakashi was behind that door. Hurting…

Ignoring his better judgement he slid the door opened, looking at the floor as he approached the other man's bed.

Kakashi had his eyes closed, still sitting cross legged in the bed elbow resting on knee. His lowered forehead resting in his palm. He felt Iruka growing closer to him but said nothing, wishing desperately he would leave.

"Babe…" Iruka whispered, making to sit on the bed in front of him. Kakashi's eyes snapped opened suddenly, reaching out to push the other away.

"Don't _babe_ me!" He practically shouted. His lip quivered as he met the Chunin's wide eyes. "Don't pretend to care now. It's too late." He said, his voice lowered to almost a whisper. The dark haired man watched him sadly. He had never seen his lover so broken. He had made him this way. His compassion kicked in and he felt his eyes water. "Don't you cry!" Kakashi whimpered. "You're not allowed to cry. That's not fair."

Iruka sighed, wiping at his eyes. "I'm sorry." He said lamely. Kakashi stared at him, Sharingan spinning. His brows knitted as he turned the words over in his mind.

"You're sorry?" He asked. "You're fucking sorry? Is that it?"

The other man shrugged, shaking his head, mouth agape. The Jounin waited for more. He wanted him to keep talking. To say anything else. But he remained silent.

" _What_ are you sorry for?" He asked finally, looking away. He pretended to stare out the window. His heart tightened painfully as he waited for an answer.

"For hurting you." The answer came half heatedly. Kakashi let a tear slip from his eyes, sick of trying to hold them back. He was exhausted. Physically and mentally.

"You know Iruka…" He began, purposefully keeping his stare fixed on the tree outside. Iruka could see he was crying, even though he wasn't facing him. It _did_ hurt him to see his boyfriend in so much pain. He had never seen him cry before. "I don't often show my emotions. Not even when I'm alone." Kakashi continued. "I suppress them. Pretend I don't have them. In fact, other than showing love towards you… I don't think anyone really knows my true feelings about anything. But just because I don't show my feelings doesn't mean I don't have them." His tears were falling freely now, he blinked harshly trying to clear his vision. "I have feelings Iruka. Sometimes I feel like you forget that. Even before… before this." He chocked.

He had intended to keep going. Keep ranting until he had said everything he needed to say. Finished the speech he had been practicing in his head since he confirmed his suspicions. But his mouth wouldn't cooperate anymore. The heart monitor started to beep again and the Chunin eyed it worriedly. His own heart hurt, thinking about the pain the Jounin was feeling.

Kakashi was totally right. He kicked himself mentally. He knew his Kashi had feelings. Of course he did. Everyone had feelings. But it's kind of hard to keep track of how someone feels when they constantly wear a mask to hide them from everyone. Even when he wasn't physically wearing a mask he was still able to conceal them well. He supposed it was a combination of being a Shinobi and to avoid letting anyone in… And therefore avoid getting hurt.

When he really thought about it, there were times when he had said or done something and to the untrained eye it would appear that the Jounin was un-phased. But Iruka saw the hurt flash through the others eyes, or the ever so slight grimace that signalled his discomfort. He had known his partner was embarrassed earlier… but he had ignored it because he wasn't sure why and couldn't be bothered asking.

 _Why didn't I comfort him…? Reassure him… Why didn't I ask what was wrong? Why did I ignore it?!_

Perhaps he even spurred the other's embarrassment on with his comment about being self-conscious. He knew his lover was very self-conscious. He pretended nothing ever bothered him. But he remembered the drunken conversation Kakashi had long forgotten. The Jounin had drunkenly slurred about how he wanted to be taken seriously as a child, hence the mask. That much everyone already knew. But he had also spilled another little secret that night. He hated his face. Hated it in general and also how much he reminded himself of his father. The story about wanting to be taken seriously as a child was true, but it was also a convenient cover for how he felt about himself.

 _God I'm such a horrible person…_

Iruka wondered briefly if he was purposefully trying to hurt his partner.

 _No… that couldn't be it. I love him. But… then why did I have a go at him about his mask? Why didn't I just kiss him like I knew he wanted?_

He thought back to the first time he had seen Kakashi without his mask. They had been together nearly 6 months.

 _Did it take that long for him to decide it was okay to let me in? 6 months… I suppose he didn't want to take it off until he was sure I loved him enough to stay, no matter what was under there… To make sure I wouldn't hurt him…_

"I'm so sorry Kakashi!" He blurted suddenly. All these questions in his head that weren't being answered weren't resolving the situation. All they were doing was cementing in his mind that he loved Kakashi. He wasn't sure why he had acted the way he did. But he was sorry now. Really…. Truly sorry.

The unexpected apology sounded a lot more sincere than the first one. The copy Nin turned to look at him. The dolphin frowned at the pain written clearly on the unmasked face. He really had broken him… "I'm so so sorry!" He continued. "I'll do anything to make it up to you! Seriously anything!" He heard himself begging.

To his surprise the silver haired man smiled slightly. His red rimmed eyes locking on to his and searching his soul.

"It's ok." He said after a while, looking away again.

"No! No it's not… I hurt you!"

"Yeah… you did. But it's done now." He stated. "You're not the first person to hurt me Iruka."

 _He just did it again… He's smiling but… the way he said that. He said it so evenly, yet… I've never heard him sound so sad. Can other people hear it…? See it… Or is it just me…?_

The room was silent for a second while Iruka thought.

 _I guess… If other people could see it, they wouldn't hurt him…_

"Kashi…" he almost sighed.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" the Jounin asked softly, still smiling.

"What do you mean… why are you smiling?" Iruka asked, frustrated by his spouse's behaviour.

"I'm smiling because I've made up my mind." He whispered. "And… you were going to… to see _her_ , before all of this." He continued, gesturing at the room in general. "Or did you go and see _her_ while I was unconscious?" He asked, his smile slipping away as he used all of his strength to not look at the other again.

"Oh… no. I didn't see her. I'm never going to see her again."

Kakashi chuckled, his smile returning.

"Why are you laughing?! What have you made up your mind about?!" The Chunin shouted suddenly, demanding an answer.

"Iruka… You said you'd do anything to make it up to me…? He questioned.

Iruka nodded. "Of course."

"Well there _is_ something you can do for me." He paused. The Chunin leaned forward waiting impatiently.

"Anything." He repeated after the other never resumed his speech. Kakashi sighed, his shoulders slumping as he watched the delicate snowflakes begin to fall again. It hardly ever snowed in Konoha.

"Please leave me." he whispered. "Because I'm not strong enough to leave you."


	3. Chapter 3

Iruka gaped, not sure he had heart quite right.

"Leave you?" He asked, looking around him. "Like… Leave you now. So you can be alone here?"

"Leave me so I can be alone forever." Kakashi clarified, still watching the snow. "I can't spend my life hoping you'll love me back."

"I do love you back." He whispered, moving forward to sit on the bed in front of the other. The copy Nin didn't push him away this time. So he pulled his legs up so he was also sitting cross legged, facing the broken man.

"Did you know… It's been nearly a month since you…"

"Fucked you." Iruka cut him off. Kakashi scowled at him, hurt flashing through his eyes _again_.

"Makes sense you would assume that." He spat. "It's all you think about after all. I was going to say hugged me."

The Chunin scoffed before he could stop himself. This was not the time to be getting defensive… But what the hell. His boyfriend was lying through his teeth to try and guilt him further.

"It has not!" He sneered.

"It has." Kakashi stated, finding his stare resting in his lap again.

"We hug all the time." Iruka laughed.

"No. We don't. Trust me… I would know. Maybe you're getting me confused with someone else." He said, his voice cracking. The teacher leaned forward subconsciously. His instinct was to comfort. Kakashi pulled away, rubbing his face. "You always walk passed me. When you get home you walk passed me and just… do whatever you're doing and anytime I try and get close to you, you lie and say you have somewhere to go." He sobbed. "Don't tell me I don't know! You are so selfish. You forgot I had feelings. You broke my heart."

Iruka felt a pang in his own heart at the other's words. It made him sick to see how weak the other was. The Jounin probably knew this… only adding to his pain and self-loathing.

 _Why did I do this to him? He's right… He's so right. I just walked passed him. I should have hugged him, kissed him and all of the above. Why was I so focused on that woman?!_

He leaned forward again, pulling the man's hands from his face and kissing each one in turn. He squeezed them tightly, pulling them up to his mouth again and just resting them there. Kakashi stared at him. His boyfriend's hands were so warm, so comforting and so, so soft. He exhaled shakily, keening towards the touch before pulling back violently, taking Iruka by surprise.

"It's too late now!" He cried. "You have to leave me. Because if you don't then I'll forgive you. I'll forgive you and I'll spend the rest of my life feeling self-conscious and inadequate, following you around to make sure you aren't fucking someone else every time you are away from me for more than an hour. Please be fair…" He begged, his voice soft.

 _What have I been reduced to? You're pathetic Hatake. Stop begging. He doesn't deserve it. You're an elite Jounin not a child._

"Umino." Came a harsh voice from the doorway. Their heads snapped up, both feeling uneasy that they had not noticed another presence in the room. Tsunade strode towards them, stopping next to the bed. "My patient needs to rest and he has asked you to leave." She said sternly. "You're dismissed."

"But M'lady!" The Chunin started to protest, amazed at his own bravery. She leaned closer to him, whispering harshly.

"Dismissed. It's Hokage for _Get out_."

He gulped, taking a last look at Kakashi before he stood up.

"I'm really am sorry." He said softly as he headed towards the door. Kakashi watched him leave, feeling his heart was actually being ripped in two. The Godaime leaned down to his level and shoved a small cup roughly in his hand.

"Sedative." She stated matter-of-factly. "Please take it. You need sleep to recover."

He eyed the small tablet, wishing he had 50 to take all at once.

"I know what you're thinking brat. Don't even bother trying to find the rest of them. You will fail. Besides I'm not leaving until you take it. I'll strap you down and shove it down your throat if I have to." She warned. He sighed, picking up the tiny pill and swallowing it dry.

"Do I have to check under your tongue?" She asked. He shook his head, lying down in the bed and snuggling under the sheet. This was the first time he could ever remember being grateful for being forced to spend the night in the hospital. He wanted to be sedated. He wanted to sleep. He never wanted to wake up.

OoOoOoOo

"Well aren't you a sight?" Genma smirked. Tenzou elbowed him sharply.

"Are you alright Sempai?" He asked, his face soft and friendly. "They're saying you had a heart attack."

Kakashi sighed inwardly at himself. He really was out of it if he didn't hear the Special Jonin coming. He hadn't had time to get his mask on. But then again, when you're undercover on an ANBU mission, sometimes wearing a mask is too suspicious. So they had both seen him without it on occasion anyway. He eyed them wearily from his seat next to the window. It hadn't even been 24 hours but if Genma knew, he suspected the whole village did by now.

The harsh morning sun started to peak out from behind the snow filled clouds. It made the layer of white covering the city impossibly bright. It had snowed for the better half of the night. He was surprised to only find a small layer covering the rooftops when he awoke this morning.

He turned fully towards his friends, saying nothing. They gave each other a look Kakashi could only guess meant that they had just nonverbally decided they weren't leaving until they were sure he was okay. He didn't feel like talking. He didn't want visitors. He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead with his palm.

"I'm fine." He answered in his everyday bored drawl. Genma seemed kind of satisfied, winking at him.

 _Idiot_

"I know you're not fine Sempai." Tenzou said softly, moving towards him. "Lady Tsunade sent me. Genma's just here because… Well because to be honest I couldn't shake him." He said irritably, shooting a look in the special Jounin's direction.

"You could have teleported." Kakashi offered.

"Nah. I knew he was coming here. I would have just made my way here and then used him as an excuse to get in to see you anyway." Genma explained, senborn bobbing.

"Yeah… so… you know. Easier to let him in, then tell him to fuck off than to try and keep him out altogether." Tenzou snickered.

"Yeah." Genma agreed, smiling wickedly.

"Right well… what do you want? What did Tsunade want?" The Jounin asked, starting to get annoyed with the pair that had interrupted his thoughts.

The ANBU shot another look over his shoulder before moving right up close, leaning in to whisper.

"Everyone thinks you had a heart attack. I know you didn't. But I'm willing to agree it was an accident involving a poison shuriken if that's what you wanted to tell people."

Genma eyed them suspiciously.

"Stop whispering! I can't hear the gossip if you whisper!" He complained. The copy Nin nodded and Tenzou straightened, smiling.

"Look Genma I don't know why you even bothered coming here… Kakashi's not going to tell you what he was hit with." He said sternly.

"What do you mean hit with?" He asked, eyes wide at the apparently slip of the tongue. Kakashi smacked Tenzou on the arm.

"Idiot!" He hissed.

"Ugh… I'm sorry… It just slipped out."

"You're a fucking ANBU Tenzou… Keep your trap shut."

"I'm sorry… Look… He's going to find out eventually anyway why don't you just tell him? That way when the gossip starts it won't be as bad because it came straight from your mouth." The brown haired man reasoned.

"Fine…" The Jounin growled in mock defeat. "I was hit with a poison Shuriken… Are you happy?! Kakashi of the Sharingan… The great Copy Ninja was hit by a fucking posion blade thrown by a Genin. And… And… to make matters worse. I didn't get it checked straight away… I thought it was fine but it wasn't. Now I'm in the hospital, being forced to endure this… this torture." He finished, gesturing towards them both. Tenzou's mouth ticked slightly. It was clear he was trying hard to hold back a smile.

 _He's a fucking ANBU…_

Genma practically beamed with glee.

"Thank you for trusting me with this information my friend." He grinned wildly, barely stifling his laugh. "I won't tell a soul." He lied as sincerely as he could. "Feel better!" He yelled from the doorway, winking at Tenzou as he left.

 _One idiot down…_

He turned to his friend. His face had sombered the second the other man had left. He was no longer holding in a laugh. His almond eyes were full of sadness and…

 _Pity_

Kakashi realised with a twist to the gut.

 _He pities me_

"I'm so sorry Kakashi." He started. Kakashi held up a hand to stop the other talking.

"Please don't." He said softly. He may have left the ANBU but Tenzou was still his subordinate. He had never allowed the other to see him weak and right now was no exception. Asking him politely to stop talking was as far as he would go to show the other man exactly how much he was hurting.

His friend nodded in understanding. He knew what hardship was. He knew what loneliness was. He knew what he meant when someone asked him with a small voice to please stop talking. He respected Kakashi deeply, so he settled for a smile as he sat down in the empty chair next to him.

"I'm not exactly here on a mission." He admitted. "I mean Lady Tsunade sent me but… She said only to come if I wanted to. The last thing you need right now is someone hanging out with you because they were ordered to."

"Are we hanging out?" Kakashi asked with a somewhat hopeful smile. He had expected this after his breakdown in the Godaime's presence. She no longer had a reason to keep him in the hospital after today. Other than to keep an eye on him. Which to Kakashi's relief was a waste of village resources. So she sent one of his friends to essentially be her spy. She would probably make them relentless as well. Make them all take shifts, never giving him a moment alone until suddenly one day he realised he wasn't sad anymore.

He wasn't looking forward to the first shift but he found himself really glad she chose Tenzou. He regretted thinking he was an idiot earlier. He was a really genuine person that probably understood him better than anyone else. He really did like him. They just never got to see each other since he left the ANBU because they were both always on different assignments and when Kakashi was home he was spending time with…

He shook his head, clearing it of the thought. Tenzou looked at him questionably.

"I mean we don't have to… well we kind of do. But I can leave you alone and just say we hung out." He floundered.

"What? No… Don't leave. I was just thinking about something else." Kakashi said, forcing the smile to come back.

 _Someone else…_

The ANBU nodded empathetically. "Ok well… If you're sure." He noted silently the small plea Kakashi had just made. No matter how much he wanted him to stay, if he was in his right mind he would not have asked. "When are they letting you out?" He asked as if the other was incarcerated.

Kakashi found himself chuckling again. Tenzou had such an innocent sense of humour. Really he had an innocent personality. He was the type of person that blushed when someone told a dirty joke, didn't drink if he had to work in the morning and his version of letting lose on the weekend involved a cup of coffee after 7pm and a good book.

On the occasion he would dabble in alcohol he often drank very little. But considering his very minimal consumption, he made for a pretty amusing lightweight. Drunk Tenzou was fun. He sang karaoke, swore like a sailor and complained about his comrades with no regard for his own safety.

But even when intoxicated he was extremely respectful of woman. To Kakashi's memory he had never seen him take home a woman before. He had never even see him hit on one. He just stood shyly at the bar, eyeing them from a distance.

Kakashi shook himself from his thoughts once more. His friend was staring at him, a slight flush on his cheeks.

"Sorry… I'm a bit spacey, must be the sedative." He lied. "What did you ask me?"

"I asked… when you're allowed to leave?" The ANBU laughed.

"Oh… uh, well I have to be examined again by Tsunade but she said I will probably be fine to leave this afternoon. I guess seeing as she sent you to keep an eye on me she mustn't foresee any complications. If she did she would be able to keep me here and keep an eye on me herself." He mused.

"Yeah…"

There was a silence. It was only slightly awkward. Like when a relative you don't see often visits and you run out of things to tell them. It was mostly comfortable.

"So who's on the next shift?" Kakashi asked slyly; sussing out the fifth's weird 'friend roster'.

"She will probably send Asuma." Tenzou smiled, catching on to his meaning. "But you know. There doesn't have to be shifts Kakashi."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… First of all… I'm here for you. If you don't want anyone else knowing about this I'm willing to… well to take all the shifts." He smiled. "But if you feel alright to go home by yourself I'll believe you. I'll tell Tsunade that is my honest opinion and she will have no choice but to leave you alone."

Kakashi cringed.

 _Home…_

"Where is home?" He asked softly, his face had fallen once more. His eyes followed the lines of grout between the tiles on the floor, waiting for an answer he knew the other couldn't give.

He felt a strong hand clasp his shoulder. He looked up in to the dark pools of his friend's kind eyes.

"Where ever you want it to be." He smiled sympathetically.

"I want…" Kakashi started. He let his mouth close, not wanting to voice what he wanted.

"I know what you want." The other squeezed his shoulder affectionately. There was another silence as the Jonin considered how much his friend new. He wanted to ask but couldn't make himself. The thought was humiliating.

To his surprise, his question was answered as the other began talking again.

"You know I wouldn't judge you if you went back to Iruka…" He said in an extremely honest tone. "But… as your friend I also want to tell you that I don't think it's in your best interest. You once said to me that you would never let anyone harm your comrades… Well I feel the same way and…" He paused. Kakashi watched as he struggled to form the words. Obviously trying very hard to not offend or humiliate him. "Iruka hurt you… That makes him scum to me." He said finally. "I understand you like no one else Senpai. We worked together effortlessly for years on end. We shared stories, feelings, tents and even beds to keep from freezing our nuts off. You may be nicknamed 'Cold Blooded Kakashi' but all I ever saw was a man that had lost everything. You spared my life once and I am eternally grateful to you. I want to help you. Anyone that would willingly hurt you is just…"He cut himself off before he said too much, sighing as he realised it was too late to go back to what he had said earlier.

 _I'm a walking contradiction…_

He thought as he forced himself to smile at Kakashi. Hoping he didn't right hook him through the wall when he was finished taking everything in.

The silver haired man smiled slightly. His eyes were still locked with his friend's.

"Thank you." He said simply.

"I really do mean it Kakashi. That I wouldn't judge you. I understand you need him… He's your anchor. I get that. But… just because you are a good person doesn't mean that your anchor isn't scum." He said softly.

Kakashi had never really considered that Iruka was his anchor until his friend mentioned it. He supposed he was. There was no one else he was that close too. No one he could trust to be there for him explicitly.

Contrary to what Tsunade thought; he _did_ listen in his counselling sessions. If he just happened to be pretending to be asleep well that was too bad. It helped him get help without looking like he wanted or needed it.

It was never recommended to use a person as an anchor. Thinking back, he knew what he was doing. He just didn't consider it until now. He never saw the harm, regardless of what advice he was given by a professional. Iruka was there to help him up when he fell. Although, if he was being honest. He didn't ever fall very far in front of the Chunin. But he was there to fuck him back to reality when the numb feeling set in after a particularly gruesome mission. He made him feel like a person. Like he was worth something to someone. He was the perfect anchor. It was only just now in this moment he understood why they recommended a happy memory instead of a person. People betray you.

"Well maybe it's time for me to find a new anchor." The Jonin said aloud, surprising the ANBU.

 _There's no way in hell he's gotten over this so quickly…._

Tenzou thought, eyeing him worriedly.

"I don't need Iruka!" Kakashi said defiantly, his hand balling in to a fist.

 _I suppose I'll be reporting to Tsunade that the worst is yet to come…_


	4. Chapter 4

Iruka shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked through the long winding corridors of the hospital, looking for the exit. He had taken no notice where he had been taken by the nurses when he arrived screaming and panting in emergency. He had hardly ever been here before.

He sighed openly, stopping to read a sign. His eyes wouldn't focus, his heart was in his throat. He had hurt Kakashi incredibly bad. He had asked him to leave him.

 _Did I leave him?_

He wondered. Neither of them had actually said they were officially over before Tsunade kicked him out. He wanted desperately to barge back in there and demand and answer. But that would do Kakashi no good. He deserved the rest after what Iruka had put him through. He decided to assume they were together until he was officially told otherwise. He didn't care how much the Copy Nin begged. He wasn't about to dump him. They would work through this.

"Iruka Sensei." Came a small voice from over his shoulder. "Are you alright?"

His blood ran cold.

 _No… no no no… Not here… Kakashi is just down the hall. What if he sees me?!_

He silently begged, turning to look in to the beautiful wide eyes of his blonde haired lover. He knew he was visibly gaping, but didn't really have the willpower to stop. He couldn't believe this was happening. It was like a bad dream.

When he didn't respond she moved forward, her arm clasping around his and smiling sweetly.

"When you didn't show up tonight I was worried… I asked one of your friends if they knew where you were and they said someone saw you at the hospital earlier. Village gossip you know… But I got worried so I… came here." She trailed off, stepping back, embarrassed by her zeal.

"I'm fine!" He said a little too loudly. "Who did you talk to?"

"The man from the mission's room. The one with the thing always sticking out of his mouth." She answered innocently, bright eyes shining.

"Genma…" Iruka groaned.

 _Anyone but fucking Genma…_

"Should I not have come here?" She asked dejectedly, taken aback by his reaction.

"No... Well yes. But no…" Iruka faltered. "Listen I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere?" He asked, wrapping his hand around her forearm and checking the sign again before dragging her towards the exit.

He pulled her outside, his sandals crunching on freshly fallen snow as they walked. They walked for much longer than he intended to. He was thinking hard, trying to find the right words. She was a lovely girl, he didn't want to hurt her.

 _Ironic… I can't bare the thought of hurting this woman I barely know yet… I so willingly hurt a man that put his unconditional trust in me. I'm going to hell…._

"Iruka." She spoke, startling him. Regardless of the fact he was dragging her along he had almost forgotten she was there. She pulled her arm lose and hooked it around his, pulling him towards the first seat they had passed since leaving the hospital at least 10 minutes ago. As they sat she let go of his arm, instead snaking hers around his waist. Iruka gulped audibly and she looked up at him, concerned. "What's going on?" She asked, nerves going crazy in her stomach. Iruka sighed, rubbing his face harshly. He considered lying to her… Telling her he had just gotten some bad news and for that reason needed to be alone for a while. But that wouldn't solve the problem. She seemed like the type of person that would turn up at the apartment he shared with Kakashi, bringing him soup and wanting to be invited in under the pretext of 'making him feel better.' He wondered briefly if she was the type of person to chop a guy's balls off for cheating on her.

 _Cheating on her… Did I cheat on her? I cheated on Kakashi with her… But… oh my god is she my girlfriend?!_

"I have a boyfriend." He blurted out before he could stop himself. She recoiled slightly, gaping at him.

"Boyfriend?" She asked, untangling her arm and resting it in her lap.

"Yes… a boyfriend. A boyfriend that loves me very much. I… I can't do this anymore I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for hurting him. This never should have happened." He sobbed, trying to hide his face under his hand. She watched him struggle for a second before leaning in again, wrapping her arms around him.

"We never said this was exclusive." She giggled. She had been worried that he was seeing someone else. He was always coming over at random times and seemed eager to leave as soon as they were finished having sex. He had only slept over once and they had never really had a proper date. She had already assumed the reason why. She really did like Iruka… but if he was taken he was taken. The best she could hope for was continuing the small fling they had been having, biding her time until his partner inevitably found out and dumped him.

She was a sweet girl. But not entirely innocent. She knew what she wanted and she would get it. She had seen the way he had tried to protest that first night when she kissed him, but had ignored it. She wanted him. Not being a Shinobi had never stopped her from living her life the way she wanted in a ninja village.

Iruka looked up at her. Was she serious? She really wasn't mad…

"No... I guess we didn't. But I definitely remember agreeing to be exclusive with my _boyfriend_ …" He said softly.

"Is he mad?" She asked, seeming entirely too impartial to the situation.

"Upset would be the word." He choked out, remembering Kakashi's face as he pretended to watch the snow outside. "He's… very, very upset."

Iruka had a quick flash of Deja Vu as once again she leaned in to kiss him before he could react. He was a Shinobi for God's sake. He should have better reflexes. Or was it that he didn't want to have them?

"No." He said, pushing her away. "No… this is what I should have done the first time. I shouldn't have let it go further than that."

She pulled him back, kissing him slowly this time, sensually. She rubbed the back of her hand along his slowly reddening cheek. He leaned in subconsciously towards the comfort he felt he needed. He felt sick with himself. He didn't deserve comfort, not now. He promised Kakashi he would never see her again but here he was minutes later, making out with her a couple of blocks away from the hospital. But he couldn't help it if she found him at the hospital. He had no plans to seek her out. But then again… he supposed he didn't have to bring her with him either. He could have just broken up with her on the spot and walked away…

He pushed her away again.

"No." He said defiantly. He stood, embarrassed to find his lower half at full attention.

"Well…" She smiled, standing next to him and eyeing his rigid cock through his pants hungrily. "Come and find me when your boyfriend dumps you. I'll be waiting." She winked, blowing him a kiss before walking off towards her apartment.

Iruka sat back down when she was out of sight, resting his head in his hands. The freezing cold air on his underdressed body doing nothing to calm his raging erection.

"I'm going to hell." He whispered to himself, a tear slipping from his eyes.

 _Yes. You. Are…_

Tenzou thought to himself from his perch atop a nearby light post. His eyes flared through his cat mask as he pulled his hands together to form the seals to teleport to the Hokage tower. He needed to take time off and he wanted to request it immediately.

OoOoOoOo

 _I didn't really lie to him…_

Tenzou thought as he averted his eyes. Kakashi was getting dressed. It wasn't polite to stare, no matter how much he wanted to.

Tsunade really had sent him on this mission. He really had been told that if he didn't really care, to stay away because the last thing his friend needed at this moment was fake friends. He had appeared in front of a disgruntled Hokage. He had no idea what had happened to Kakashi. All he knew was that he had seen Iruka leaving the hospital hand in hand with a woman. Curiosity got the better of him and he had followed him, his stomach turning when he saw him kissing her. He had intended to warn the Godaime; knowing that when the Copy Nin found out he would most likely have a break. But it turned out she already knew. She had crumpled under his questioning gaze, the concern for his Sempai written clearly on his face and sworn him to secrecy. Only telling him the absolute basics about the situation without violating doctor patient confidentiality.

She had warned him about Genma, saying she had seen him in emergency as she left Kakashi's room. He was waiting to be attended to and from the smug look on the bleeding man's face, he had definitely seen Iruka earlier.

He requested leave under the pretence of watching over Kakashi's recovery. He knew he wouldn't be denied. The fifth had a weird soft spot for both himself and his Jonin comrade. She would want to make sure he was okay.

Really the only thing he had lied to the Jonin about was the fact that his other friends knew the true story of what happened. They probably all knew Genma's version by now, which was fine because frankly they were all a little bit scared of Kakashi and wouldn't dare bring it up to him.

He felt guilty as he snuck a peak at the silver haired man from his peripheries. His muscular body was toned perfectly and for an elite Jonin he was surprised to see so few angry looking scars. He definitely had scars, everywhere. But they were faded to a perfect hue slightly lighter than his already pale skin tone, making them almost invisible.

"Kakashi…" He started, not sure what he wanted to say. The other looked up at him as he zipped up his flak jacket.

"Yeah?" He answered, pulling his mask in to place.

"Did you want to get something to eat?" He asked lamely, his confidence wavering before he could say what he really wanted. He wanted desperately to explain the whole situation. To tell him he had requested to be by his side because he wanted to protect him. But he couldn't… If he admitted to that then he would have to explain how he had come to find out in the first place and his friend wasn't ready to hear about that. About what he had seen Iruka doing or the fact the Hokage so readily revealed his secret.

The Jonin smiled slightly, his only visible eye crinkling. Tenzou knew him well enough to know that was a smile, even if he couldn't see his mouth.

"Thanks but… I kind of just want to go home." He answered honestly. The ANBU nodded, standing to walk next his friend as they exited the room.

"So…?" Tenzou asked, watching Kakashi closely. "Have you decided where home is yet?"

Kakashi stopped walking, his shoulders slumping as he remembered why he was forced to come here in the first place.

"No…" He said simply, shoving his hands in pockets and continuing at the same pace as before. Tenzou hurried to catch up with him. They had reached the exit before he decided what it was he really wanted to say.

"Ok… well I'm just throwing it out there but you know you're always welcome at my place." He said, placing a hand on the other's shoulder and squeezing once like he had earlier. He smiled kindly before removing it and turning abruptly to walk in the other direction. "Cya." He called over his shoulder. He wanted to get out of there before he could be turned down. If Kakashi happened to turn up later then so be it. If he didn't well… He supposed the gesture could have been overlooked as a hollow offer thrown out by a friend in a time of need.

 _Like when someone dies and you say 'If there's anything I can do.'_

He thought to himself as he rounded a corner. To his surprise he felt a hand on his own shoulder. He turned to look in to Kakashi's sad eye. He had obviously had to jog to catch up to him.

"Can I…?" He trailed off, wanting desperately for his friend to reiterate how welcome he was, but terrified he was going to reject him.

"Of course you can." Tenzou smiled, his heart fluttering. "You're always welcome at my place."


	5. Chapter 5

Kakashi hovered nervously out the front of his apartment while Tenzou used his earth style to meld with its wall. Looking through to the other side he could discernibly tell that Iruka wasn't home. He exited, smiling as Kakashi's anxious eyes met his.

"All clear." He chirped, gesturing towards the door. Kakashi moved forwards to unlock it, stepping inside and motioning for his friend to follow.

He took a deep breath, calming himself before the emotions he was feeling could escape. The apartment smelled of lavender and cinnamon. A scent that was inherently Iruka and increased tenfold by the Copy Nin's dog like nose.

"What should I bring?" He asked, not really having been in this situation before. This was his home. Or at least it had been before he had so boldly asked the Chunin to move in with him. He wasn't sure whose home it was now. Whether he was allowed to ask Iruka to leave or if he had to be the one to go. Even if it was rightfully his place to ask the other to leave he knew he would never have the strength.

"Whatever you think you need. Depends on how long you plan to stay really." Tenzou said encouragingly. Kakashi exhaled, taking a few steps towards the bedroom and stopping as another strong whiff of lavender wafted passed him. "I can…" Tenzou trailed off. "If you want me to?" He asked, pointing towards the bedroom. Kakashi nodded, grateful for his friends volunteered support. He never would have asked him, so it was nice to know he could count on him to pre-empt his reservations. Just like Pakkun.

Yamato moved forwards in to the tiny room as Kakashi sat down on a chair he had pulled away from the kitchen table. There was a few minutes worth of shuffling and a little bit of swearing before the brunette emerged with an arm full of clothes.

"Is this all do you think?" He asked, holding it up for the silver haired man to see. Kakashi nodded, standing and putting the chair back in its place.

"Wait… No." He said suddenly, looking almost frantic. "There's… There is… One more thing."

Yamato tilted his head in confusion at the small blush spreading across his former Captain's cheeks above his mask. "It's um…" He trailed off, not making eye contact.

"It's okay. You can tell me." Tenzou said kindly, moving towards him.

"It's in my desk draw."

"What is it?"

"It's the only thing in there." Kakashi said softly, taking great pains to look anywhere but his friends eyes. "Oh and Mr Ukki."

Tenzou nodded, making his way back in to the bedroom. He had heard Kakashi speak of the infamous plant before. A present from Naruto that he was very proud of. But he couldn't help wondering what he was to be met with when he opened the desk draw. He emerged a few seconds later carrying the pot plant with a small smile on his face.

"This?" He asked, holding up a small, ratty looking, hand stitched dog. Kakashi snatched it from him immediately, stuffing it in his pocket.

"I don't know how long I'll be staying with you or when I'll be back here." He said defensively. "Iruka would probably throw it out. Tenzou nodded in understanding, clasping a hand on to his friend's firm shoulder once again and smiling kindly.

"It's ok." He said again, handing Kakashi the clothes. "Come on, let's go." He stated, walking towards the now opened door.

Iruka was standing there, arms folded and scowl on his face. Tenzou whipped around, watching as the colour physically drained from his comrade's face.

"What's with the clothes?" The Chunin practically spat, looking from one man to the other. He was furious. When Kakashi didn't answer The ANBU felt it was his place to speak on his behalf.

"Kakashi is going to be staying with me for a while." He said evenly.

"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you." Iruka snapped, his voice rising to an unnecessary volume. Yamato cringed, he had always gotten an uneasy feeling around the Academy teacher. He seemed like a perfectly pleasant person… Towards _other_ people. He was never really sure what he had done to earn the small glances of displeasure shot in his direction. He never really understood why when he was drew near to him in a public place the people seated around the Chunin would all start sneering. He had only ever been nice to the man. He smiled and used all the proper pleasantries when he handed in mission reports. Frankly it had always made him feel a little bit self-conscious being unlinked by the one man in Konoha who was widely known for _'liking everybody'_.

"What I would like is for my Senpai to get well and that won't happen if he is staying here." He said defiantly, holding his head high and keeping eye contact in a feeble attempt at intimidating the man.

Iruka looked incredulous, his glare becoming increasingly menacing as the vein on his head neared exploding point.

" _This_ is his home." He said sternly, gesturing around the room. "He should stay here if he is wanting to get better. It's commonly known that people recover better while they are in their own homes.

"Oh, are you leaving?" Tenzou asked sarcastically before he could stop himself.

"No! This is MY home too! Why would I leave?" Iruka shouted suddenly, advancing towards the ANBU.

"Because we aren't together anymore…. Are we?" Kakashi asked suddenly, stopping Iruka in his tracks and causing Tenzou to turn again.

"W-what?" The Chunin asked softly. "A-are you dumping me?"

Kakashi swayed awkwardly, his heart pounding.

"I… I don't…" He trailed off. An uncomfortable silence filled the room as the three men stared between each other, waiting for an explanation to come from someone's mouth. Kakashi realized suddenly that even though he had asked Iruka to leave him, he had never agreed. He felt absurdly stupid for asking the question. It should be his decision. He should just say yes. But he didn't want to. He wanted nothing more than to drop to his knees and ask Iruka to forgive him.

Tenzou felt this was a private conversation, he should leave. But he didn't think it fair to leave his friend at this moment. He clearly needed him, although what for he couldn't determine.

"Kakashi?" He asked softly, moving over to touch the man gently on his arm. "It's ok. You don't have to decide now." He whispered, hoping his now firm grip would help steady the man.

Subconsciously Kakashi leaned in to the touch, although not visibly. He felt himself being pulled back towards reality even though his mind was going haywire and trying to float away.

 _Anchor..._

He thought faintly.

For the first time in probably ever, the ANBU caught a glimpse of something other than distain for him on Iruka's face.

 _Perhaps he doesn't want Kakashi after all…._

Iruka thought, eyeing the other man shiftily.

 _If he did he would surely be convincing him to leave me…._

Tenzou sighed, rubbing his face with his other hand. He wanted nothing more than to scream at his friend to leave the cheating bastard but that wasn't fair. Before the incident came to light Kakashi seemed perfectly happy with Iruka. Who was he to interfere with that? Even if he did think he could make Kakashi happier he wouldn't tear him away from someone he loved for his own selfish desires. It wasn't right. __

"Look, how about we go and you can make time to talk with Iruka later, after you've had some time to think." He continued, trying his best to reason with the two.

"After you've had time to talk him out of this relationship you mean." Iruka glowered.

"What, no?" It's just that Kakashi doesn't really know what he wants right now and I don't want him to make a stupid mistake because of his current emotional state."

"A stupid decision like staying with me perhaps?" Iruka barked, advancing towards them. Tenzou held up his hand in mock surrender, his other hand never leaving Kakashi's arm.

"Like giving up on your relationship because he feels like he has to after what you did." He clarified, trying to calm the situation. Iruka stopped, eyeing him suspiciously once more.

"What would you know about what _I did_?" He asked.

"I know enough to be able to form my own opinions on the matter. But I won't force those opinions on your boyfriend because unlike _you_ I'm a decent person."

"How hypocritical. You don't sound very decent. Saying I'm not a good person sounds ridiculously like _your_ opinion Tenzou."

"I don't need Tenzou to tell me you're not a good person Iruka." Kakashi said suddenly, startling them both in to remembering he was present. Tenzou's hold on his arm steadying him long enough organize his thoughts and make his judgment known. Iruka gaped at him.

"I..." He started.

"Don't cut me off again!" Kakashi shouted. "I know you're a bad person. You hurt me. Willingly! I don't need Tenzou to tell me that! What I need is a friend to comfort me after what you did to me and some time to think about what I want." He paused, considering whether he should say what he was thinking. "I mean… I know what I _want_. But I need time to decide if it's worth it or not." He said softly.

 _Burnnnn!_

Tenzou thought, keeping his face a neutral smile.

"Fine." Iruka snapped, turning away from them both. "Just go then." He yelled, walking in to the bedroom and slamming the door behind him.

Kakashi flinched at the sound, closing his eyes tight. He hated hurting Iruka, even if he deserved it. He hated to think that his words had caused the sort of pain he had felt in his chest for the last 2 days.

"Let's go." The brunette whispered, pulling Kakashi with him.

OoOoOoOo

The walk back to Tenzou's house was slow and quiet. It took everything the ANBU had to not ask Kakashi about the stuffed dog. The Copy Nin was probably hoping he had forgotten after the little row with Iruka. But he had been dwelling on it since he had opened the draw and seen it there.

It was old. He knew that much. Incredibly worn and desperately needing a new eye. Its left was only hanging by single thread. He chuckled to himself, wondering if the other had left it that way on purpose. Perhaps when it finally fell off he would sew a tiny little Sharingan in its place.

"What's funny?" Kakashi asked, not looking at his friend as they sauntered along at his usually slow pace.

"Nothing." Tenzou said with a smile, shoving his hands in his pockets and watching his feet as he walked.

"Do you... think I should leave Iruka?" The Jonin asked softly, staring intently at the ground.

"Uh… well…" The brunette fumbled. "I don't um… I mean it's not my… decision, I guess." He said finally, looking up.

"I value your opinion." Kakashi whispered, inching closer to him even though the path was more than big enough for several people.

"It's an honour to hear you say that Senpai. But I really don't want to burden your mind with my thoughts on the matter. You're still unwell. I meant what I said before. I'm aware it's not my place and I won't push my opinions on you. You need to make a decision in your own time."

"First of all I'm asking for your opinion so it's not burdening me. Secondly…" Kakashi said sternly, stopping in his tracks to make eye contact with the other man. "Secondly at the hospital you told me that you wouldn't judge me if I went back to him, but you thought he was scum. So I already have your opinion. What I want right now is for you to justify your opinion and answer my question… Do you think I should leave Iruka?" He asked again.

"Yes." Tenzou said boldly. "If you want my honest opinion then yes I think you should. He _is_ scum and he _will_ hurt you again. I won't judge you if you go back to him but now you know for sure that is my 100 percent honest opinion. Are you happy now?"

Kakashi shook his head, not sure what to say.

"See this is why I didn't want to tell you." Tenzou sighed. "Because now the fact that you know I think he's scum out ways the fact that I won't judge you. I shouldn't have said that in the hospital. I tried to redeem myself by saying what I said to Iruka about not forcing my opinions on you and letting you make your own decision but now I've gone and fucked it up again. Now if you leave him it will be all my fault because I know you want to stay." He huffed, finishing his rant and immediately feeling guilty for definitely burdening Kakashi with his last statement.

A sad eye stared in to his, the inner workings of the other man's brain visible through the dark grey.

"What makes you say he'll hurt me again? How do you know that?" Kakashi asked.

He had been dreading this question since he had first arrived at the hospital.

"Look…" Tenzou said, grabbing his arm lightly. Their eyes unfocused as their surroundings swirled. "It was taking entirely too long to get here." He breathed as they appeared in his lounge room. "Please, make yourself at home."

Kakashi sat slowly on the couch he had appeared in font of. A sense of foreboding niggling in the pit of his stomach. Tenzou walked in to the small kitchenette and started rummaging through his cupboards for tea.

"I feel like you have something to tell me." Kakashi said softly, folding his clothes neatly and sticking them in a small pile next to Mr Ukki on the coffee table.

"I do." Tenzou sighed, throwing an apologetic look over his shoulder as he waited for the kettle to boil.

"Well then out with it!" Kakashi snapped. "This suspense isn't helping my anxiety."

The ANBU turned, leaning back against the small counter, using his palms to stabilize himself.

"I… I saw Iruka, kissing a woman last night." He said as evenly as he could manage. The heartbreak on Kakashi's face was evident even through his mask as he looked down and away. "To his defence… and believe me I don't like defending him… He was mumbling something about not being able to do this anymore. But… he definitely kissed her again after that. Or rather she kissed him and he pushed her away. But there was definite contact which he didn't seem to…"

"Stop." Kakashi choked, covering his ears. "Just stop."

Tenzou took the kettle off the stove as it started to boil and tipped some water in to the two cups he had already set out. He moved slowly, not really sure what to do now that Kakashi was clearly falling apart.

Bringing the tea over to his friend, he set it down in front of him and then moved around the coffee table to sit on his right.

"Kakashi." He whispered, putting his own tea down too. "I'm sorry. I wasn't going to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you anymore but… You need all the information to be able to make your decision and well… I just don't see that douche bag admitting to almost getting off while you were in the hospital. "

Kakashi made small noise somewhere between a sob and hiccup. His hands had moved from his ears to cover his eyes. His headband was now pulled up so the Sharingan was exposed. Tenzou supposed it was so he could cry without wetting it.

"I… I never understood… people… who… w-wanted to end their lives." Kakashi stuttered. "Not even after… after Sensei… But… when I think about l-losing Iruka… Well… if this is what d… My Father felt like, after my Mother died. Then I think I f-finally understand." He finished with a cry.

Tenzou reached out instinctively, stretching a strong arm around Kakashi's shaking shoulders and pulling him close.

"It's alright Kakashi." He whispered, at a loss for what else to say.

"It won't be though." He blubbered back. "No matter what I choose it won't be alright. I know because every time someone says that to me… things get better for a little bit…but then they just get so much worse. I swore I wouldn't let anyone else in after Minato. I didn't want that bond. So astounding when everything is fine but outrageously painful when it ends. Seeing as I was so utterly determined to not end up like m-my Father… I wouldn't even let myself consider suicide for long enough to understand it. But now I get it."

"Don't talk like that." Tenzou said sternly, hurt in his own voice at the thought of Kakashi ending everything like Sakumo had. "You don't have to think like that. You have people in this world who care for you. People who would _never_ hurt you." He said softly. "Don't let what Iruka did make you give up on life… or on love."

The Copy Nin looked up, his bloodshot eyes glazed with grief.

"Would you hurt me?" he asked.

"Never." Tenzou whispered, tightening his hold on his friend. He wasn't sure what Kakashi meant by the question, but he wasn't about to let himself believe there was more to it than the other man needing a simple reminder that he had someone who cares about him.

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi snuggled in to the blankets he had been given by Tenzou. The couch was cold and small. But it was better than the alternative. Returning home.

He rolled on to his side trying desperately to find some assembly of warmth in the 2 heavy woollen blankets he had been handed before the other man disappeared in to his bedroom. He had been a life saver today.

 _Literally._

Kakashi thought, his chest tightening. He shivered, the cool night air not quite concealed by the heat radiating from the thermostat. He tried feebly not think about where he could be right now.

 _Where I should be…_

He felt the tears start to well up in him again and didn't bother trying to stop them. He clung to the couch cushions under him urgently trying to anchor himself in this reality. His shoulders shook as he sobbed as quietly as possible.

He badly wanted Iruka. Needed him. He hugged his pillow to him tightly, wetting it with his tears as he rubbed his face against it softly. When he thought of Iruka he was reminded of the sudden hollow emptiness he was left with when his Father had died. He was so completely hurt by what he had done. The feelings of utter helplessness and worthlessness were all that Sakumo had left Kakashi with. Yet with every fibre of his being, no matter how illogical he knew it was. He prayed for his Father to come back to him. To not be alone. To have the man he loved more than life appear in front of him and hold him, tell him everything was okay.

But… he was a child back then. Only 8 years old. He had an excuse for wanting his Father back. He didn't truly understand that he had chosen to hurt him. All he knew was that his Dad was always there to make him feel better when he was hurting and then suddenly he wasn't when he needed comforting the most.

Kakashi chided himself for his weakness. He was an adult. He didn't need anyone to hold him and reassure him everything would be fine. He could tell himself that. Unfortunately hearing the reassuring words he wanted to hear weren't quite as comforting when he had to force himself to say them even though he didn't believe them. But maybe if someone else were to whisper them to him with conviction. Pet his back, stroke his hair and tell him everything was going to be okay, then just maybe he could force himself to believe it.

He sniffed softly, rubbing at his face with the back of his hand. He hated himself more than he had ever thought possible. He was weak and pathetic.

 _No wonder Iruka wanted someone else._

He thought with a sharp cry. His heart rate was starting to speed up. He secretly hoped he would have a heart attack, just to get out of this world without dishonouring his clan. Not that there was really anyone to dishonour. If he died his clan would die with him.

He jumped, startled by the feel of a hand on his chest. Tenzou was kneeled beside him, his dark eyes glinting in the moonlight. His features displaying sympathy.

"Are you alright Kakashi?" He asked sincerely, the sadness in his voice evident. Kakashi stared at him for a second. He opened his mouth to lie; to say he was fine and to scold the other for sneaking up on him. But he stopped himself. Just the fact that Tenzou was able to sneak up on him was enough of a sign that he wasn't fine. His watery eyes locked with dark almond pools and another hand reached up to stroke his face.

"I bet you're freezing your nuts off out here." He smiled, remembering his earlier comment about sharing beds for warmth. The Copy Ninja nodded faintly, not sure whether the invitation he had just heard was actually there.

Tenzou stood, holding out his hand for Kakashi to take. He took it reluctantly, not wanting to seem too eager. He wasn't really sure what he was afraid of anymore. He had already hit rock bottom. He was sobbing like a toddler on his Kohai's couch for the second time in a day and the night before he had cried in front of the Hokage; not to mentioning practically begging Iruka to break up with him because he modestly admitted he isn't strong enough.

To his surprise Tenzou didn't let go of his hand as he led him in to the bedroom. He climbed in to his bed, pulling Kakashi down with him. It was definitely much warmer in his room. His hand stayed clasped with his friend's as he settled in next to him. Part of him wanted to roll over and beg the ANBU to cuddle with him. But the sane part new that was a bad idea. It wasn't like they hadn't done it before. But that was before Iruka. Before the Genin. Before any of this and it was strictly for warmth, nothing more.

 _It would be for warmth now._

He reasoned with himself, tilting his head to look at the sleepy face of his former subordinate.

As if almost sensing his inner turmoil the hand that was holding his let go. Kakashi felt his breath hitch. He didn't realise how much heat was in that one hand until it was gone. It was as if someone had blown out the last candle in the house and now he was just shrouded in darkness. His eyes watered and he bit his tongue hard to keep them from over flowing once more.

An arm snaked around his shoulders and he felt himself being pulled towards the other man. Before he knew what had really happened he realised his head was resting on a strong chest with a steady heartbeat and the arm snaked around his shoulders was rubbing his back softly. His mind told him to resist, to push away and find comfort somewhere else. Somewhere on his own. But his body keened towards the warmth. He sighed contently as Tenzou whispered to him softly. He told him the things he needed to hear in that instant. That everything was okay. Everything would be alright.

It was that moment that Kakashi realised that maybe he wasn't actually that cold after all. His body needed warmth, but no amount of blankets would have made him feel better.


	6. Chapter 6

Explicit scenes in this chapter have been edited down to suit the M rating.

00000

Kakashi awoke feeling strangely content. The dull ache usually accompanied with a night of sleeping on the couch nowhere in to be found. He stirred slightly, his eyes fluttering opened as the feeling of unease in his gut intensified. He didn't recognise the room he was in. Panic filled him and he jumped from the bed abruptly, ready to strike any enemy that might attack.

"Senpai?" Tenzou's lazy voice startled him as it drifted towards him from the bed.

"Tenzou?" He asked, looking uncomfortable as the memories from the night before started to flood back to him.

 _I'm so pathetic…_

"I know what you're thinking Kakashi." He said as he stretched languidly before relaxing again with his arms above his head. Kakashi smiled slightly at the likeness that Tenzou held to a cat. The porcelain mask he wore on missions was a fitting choice for him. "You're not pathetic." He continued. "Don't be embarrassed okay? I told you I was here for you and I am. There's no judgement here." He said as he stood. Kakashi's eyes widened slightly at the not so skilfully concealed bulge in his friends pants. Tenzou ignored the wandering eyes and made his way in to the tiny bathroom.

The Jonin shook his head, chastising himself for his lack of discretion. He had seen Tenzou with morning wood before. After all, this wasn't the first time they had shared a bed and the sleeping body doesn't hide its desires just because you're on a black ops mission.

Feeling foolish he made his way in to the living room, shivering slightly at the cold floor on his bare feet. He had forgotten his slippers in his rush to leave the day before. He pulled a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water from the sink.

"Good morning." He whispered as he tipped the contents of the glass in to Mr Ukki's pot. He smiled at the only quirk of his masterfully hidden insanity that he allowed to shine through.

He picked up the plant and moved him to the kitchen window so he could enjoy the morning sun, before making his way back in to the bedroom. The shuffling coming from the room signalling that Tenzou was in there and the bathroom was now free.

Closing the bathroom door behind him he decided he should shower. It wouldn't do him any good to show up to training smelling like his friend. He wondered absently if Naruto had realised that something was up with Iruka yet.

Yamato dressed hastily. He didn't have anywhere to be but he wanted to be ready by the time Kakashi came out of the bathroom so he could walk down the stairs with him. He forwent a shower, knowing that he would have the opportunity later in the day to have one at his leisure.

He brewed a pot of coffee and set out two mugs, waiting to hear the shower turn off before he filled them. As Kakashi ambled, fully dressed in his Jonin gear in to the kitchen he smiled at the simple gesture. It had been months since Iruka had thought to make him a coffee as well.

"Thank you." He said, surprised at the kindness.

"No problem." Yamato smiled back, sipping at his coffee when he realised he didn't have anything else to say. They slurped in silence for a minute before Kakashi broke the tension.

"Mr Ukki hadn't seen the sun in a few days so I put him up there." He pointed. "I hope he isn't in your way."

"Not at all. He looks a little slack, maybe he'd like some of your coffee." Tenzou joked, buying in to the other's make-believe. Kakashi grinned in to his drink. It was nice to have someone humour his relationship with the plant instead of sneering every time he referred to it with a male pronoun.

"He's more of a tea drinker. He likes the leaves." He quipped, determined to keep the joke going long enough for him to finish his beverage. Tenzou snorted, covering his mouth and turning away as he wiped coffee off his face with his sleeve.

"Funny." He giggled as he turned back. Kakashi felt his smile grow even wider. His heart fluttered slightly.

"I have to go." He said regrettably, putting his empty mug on the edge of the sink and pulling up his mask.

"I'll walk down with you." The brunette smiled, his cup joining the others. The Jonin nodded as his friend fell in step with him.

They chatted light-heartedly as they descended the stairs of the building. Yamato laughing at Kakashi as he announced proudly that he was early today, even though he was meant to meet his team over an hour before hand.

"Your version of early probably pisses a lot of people off Senpai." He snickered, elbowing him playfully.

"It does. But whatever." Kakashi beamed back. He was in a playful mood himself after a much needed night of rest. He realised feebly he hadn't slept so soundly in a long time.

They reached the ground floor in what felt like seconds. The easy banter flowing between them making the trip seem a lot quicker than it had actually been. Kakashi stopped on the bottom step, now acutely aware that they were about to go their separate ways and he suddenly realised he had no idea what to say.

 _My time to shine._

Tenzou thought happily as he watched the cogs tick over in his friends mind.

"What time do you think you'll finish training?" He asked with a wicked grin. Kakashi looked up, startled by the question.

"Uh… usually around 4. We won't be having missions for a while seeing as I'm… you know." He trailed off.

"Okay so 4." Tenzou smiled, trying his hardest to make sure the kindness came out in his eyes. Kakashi looked at his questioningly, not sure what the confirmation was for. "That's around about the time you'll be home." Tenzou clarified. "I'll make us dinner that's all."

The small portion of Kakashi's face that was visible, lit up. He nodded enthusiastically, words failing him.

"Okay well have a good day. I'll see you later." Yamato said, giving a small wave as he made his way past the man.

Kakashi felt another small flutter in his heart and wondered briefly if he should ask Tsunade about it. It didn't seem too serious and it wasn't necessarily a bad feeling. It could wait he supposed.

OoOoOoOo

Tenzou smirked at his tact as he made his way to the market. He had deliberately walked Kakashi down the stairs even though he didn't have anywhere to be. He didn't want to tell then man he was welcome back as he was leaving the apartment lest it feel too much like the morning after a one night stand. He had purposefully told his friend what was happening that night instead of asking, taking the decision away from him. He felt that in his vulnerable state Kakashi may not have agreed to stay again out of apprehension. He probably felt that his presence was annoying and Tenzou needed him to know that it was not and he was sincerely welcome for as long as he needed to stay.

He entered the market, excited at the prospect of cooking for 2. It had been a long time since he last had company. Almost 6 months since his last date.

 _This is NOT a date._

He reminded himself harshly.

 _Kakashi is still Iruka's boyfriend, no matter how much you hate it. You will NOT get in the way of that!_

"Tenzou?"

"Sorry, what?" He asked, looking around for the person that had called his name.

"I said how's Kakashi?" Genma asked again, smirking at the confusion transparently spread across the ANBU's face.

"Oh hey… Genma… Yeah he's okay." He answered weakly, looking away as he stuffed some random vegetables in to the basket he had picked up when he entered.

 _Seriously? Why Genma? Does he follow me or something?_

"Poison's gone from his system then." The special Jonin pressed, leaning closer.

"Yep. All gone." Yamato answered again, a small blush spreading across his cheeks at the close proximity of the gossiper.

Genma leaned closer, a smirk painted clearly on his face, senbon inches from Yamato's nose. "You smell like him." He winked.

"You're mistaken." Tenzou said firmly, straightening and doing his best intimidation face. Genma simply blinked at him.

 _He didn't react to the face… But… the face always works…_

Tenzou's disappointed mind whined like a child not getting their way.

"Whatever you say. I just hope you're taking good _care_ of him in his recovery." He said, winking again.

"How did you….?" Tenzou started.

"I work the mission's room sometimes. Lots of gossip flying around there." He said in a manner that implied he didn't start every piece of it. He was leaning back on a crate of vegetables, one hand resting on the edge and the other fisted in front of his face as he inspected his own nails. Yamato rolled his eyes.

"Look Genma… I don't know what you're implying but there is nothing going on between Kakashi and I. He is staying with me at the moment but he is still Iruka's partner and I would appreciate it if you didn't do the only thing you seem to be able to do well and spread some random gossip about us. You are _wrong_ and it will hurt their relationship." Tenzou finished, pushing passed the man to pay for the random assortment of food he had just gathered.

OoOoOoOo

"Kakashi Sensei!" Naruto yelled running towards him and engulfing him in a hug. Kakashi allowed it. Smiling to himself as the blonde boy knocked the wind out of him. "We missed you yesterday!"

"They're saying you were in the hospital." Sakura piped up, her face contorted in worry. "Are you okay Sensei?"

"I'm fine." Kakashi lied, pushing Naruto down like a naughty dog.

"I knew there was something wrong with you the other day! You should have said so!" She exclaimed.

"I'm fine, really." The Jonin reiterated, now holding Naruto at arm's length. "Come on let's get this training done." He said with gusto, grabbing a stunned Jinchuriki by the arm and dragging him towards the training grounds.

"Now who wants to get training over with?" Naruto sneered. Kakashi's eye crinkled as he smiled at them over his shoulder. Sasuke rolled his eyes, following behind with his arms folded.

"Who won Shogi?" Kakashi asked, suddenly remembering their last conversation.

"Kiba." Naruto pouted, his bottom lip sticking out farther than he would have thought possible. The man chuckled, letting go of Naruto's arm as they reached the place they had been standing when he had almost fell apart a few days earlier. "Iruka Sensei found out about it and we all got in trouble." He continued. Kakashi felt the happiness and the slight fluttering in his heart turn in to a painful tightness at the mention of Iruka's name.

"Ah…" He said softly, wanting to ask about it but not wanting to know at the same time.

"Yeah he came over to help me put up a shelf yesterday and I let it slip by accident. He took all my candy as punishment."

"He took everyone's candy! I told you to shut your mouth around adults!" Sasuke corrected loudly, an uncharacteristic outburst for him.

"Wait… he helped you put up a shelf?" Kakashi asked, his heart thumping loudly.

"Yeah…." Naruto answered slowly, confused that that was the bit of the story his Sensei was concerned about.

"Are you okay Sensei? You're looking pale again." Sakura asked from somewhere outside his tunnel vision focused on Naruto.

"Fine. Was he meant to help you the night before? The night of the Shogi tournament." He pressed, hope flickering in the pit of his stomach.

"No… He said he would come over Thursday after he finished at the academy and he did. He never said anything about Wednesday…"

"Oh…" Kakashi said quietly, the small flame in his stomach burning out and being replaced with a sickly feeling. "What was he like? Was he happy?" He asked against his better judgement.

"Well yeah… I mean he seemed normal. Why?"

Kakashi felt like screaming. His heart hurt all over again and his mind reeled at the fact that Iruka was getting around town with a smile on his face while he had been crying like an infant over his loss.

"What's the matter Sensei?" Naruto and Sakura chorused together.

"Nothing… I'm fine. Let's just get this training over with."

OoOoOoOo

Iruka sighed at the knock on his door. He was too busy to deal with Naruto at that moment. He had a lot of papers to grade and lesson plans to make up for the week ahead before he could go out and enjoy himself at the bar.

He stood, stretching as he searched his mind for an excuse because he knew _'I'm busy'_ wouldn't cut it when it came to the blonde boy. Too many times had he graded papers over Naruto's head as he snoozed away on his big brother's lap.

 _It's not that I don't want to see you, I just have a lot on my mind kiddo._

He rehearsed as he reached for the doorknob.

"Oh… hey." He exclaimed in surprise as he looked a washed out Kakashi up and down. "I wasn't expecting you home."

"This isn't my home! I don't have a home thanks to you!" He shouted. Iruka blushed as some people walking along the corridor stopped to watch the tiff.

"Come inside if you're going to shout." He hissed, pulling the Jonin by the arm and flashing the curious bystanders something between an apologetic look and a warning glare.

"I don't have a home." Kakashi repeated, softer this time. Sadness ebbing away at his anger. "This was _my_ home." He whispered, gesturing around the room. He hadn't intended to yell, but it felt right in the moment.

"This is still your home." Iruka reassured, not letting go of his arm.

"If you are so keen on insisting that then I think I should repeat Tenzou's earlier question. Are you leaving?" Kakashi snapped. "Because where you are is not _my_ home."

Iruka's grip tightened, knowing that if he wanted the Jonin could overpower him at any moment.

"Do you want me to leave Kakashi?" He asked, his eyes locking on to the one eye his partner had exposed. Kakashi floundered, he was losing himself in those brown eyes but at the same time the hand on his arm grounded him. He felt like his mind was being torn in two.

He had marched over to their apartment after training to confront the Chunin about how he had been feeling since Kakashi left. Hearing Naruto say that Iruka seemed the same had hurt him deeply. But thanks to recent events he also knew that his boyfriend was a proficient liar and him _'seeming'_ fine didn't necessarily mean that he was.

"Of course I don't." He answered finally. His lips trembling under his mask.

"That's all I needed to hear." Iruka breathed, leaning close. In one swift motion he had the man's mask around his neck and was kissing him passionately. He pushed him with force up against the back of the door, his hips grinding insistently at his growing arousal.

Kakashi's stuttered gasps were swallowed hungrily as the Chunin groped him through his uniform pants. One persistent hand running up his chest under his shirt and vest, expertly pinching at an erect nipple while the other kneaded his throbbing cock.

"Fuck…" The Jonin mumbled, his own hips keening towards the other's hand as he threw his head back, exposing his neck. Iruka took his chance, licking and nipping just the way he knew the other liked.

"Fuck you're hard. I've missed this." Iruka grunted as his hand slipped past the waistband of his pants to palm his boyfriend's erection.

Kakashi groaned at the contact, embarrassed to find himself on the edge so quickly.

 _It has been a while though…_

He thought absently as he felt the familiar tingles of orgasm start in his stomach. He tried to enjoy it, desperately clinging to the ministrations of the man in front of him and pushing away the thoughts of why it had been a while.

His release started to slip away and he cried out in frustration, rutting in to Iruka's hand as the Chunin undid his fly to allow more breathing room. The cool afternoon air hitting his heated skin was all he needed to push him over the edge.

"Ugh… fuck…" He shouted, biting down on his tongue to keep from shouting the man's name as his meagre orgasm hit him abruptly. He continued to rut in to the other's hand long after the sensation had passed in the hopes that it wasn't over.

He opened his eye slowly to see Iruka grinning up at him. He swallowed hard as he dislodged himself from the other man's grip. pNot sure what to do next he stood silently, regretting every second of what had just happened.

"Welcome home." Iruka breathed seductively before stepping in to the bathroom to wash up.

He tucked himself away, feeling incredibly guilty for reasons he couldn't discern. He looked around his tiny apartment sadly. What he really wanted was to flop down on _his_ couch, cuddle and watch _his_ TV. But he knew he couldn't. The pathetic excuse for an orgasm he had just experienced had cemented in his mind what he had come here to do. He could have stopped Iruka's hands. But he didn't want to. He had keened in to the touch, hoping he could forgive his indiscretions and forget what he knew of his partner.

But now all hope was gone. He was highly aware that there was nothing salvageable left of their once happy lives together. He felt the tears start to well up again as the memories associated with the room flooded him. Snuggling on the couch, cooking dinner together, playing silly word games while Iruka graded papers, fucking on every surface and of course pretending they weren't a couple when Naruto came to visit. He chuckled slightly amidst the tears.

 _Who would have thought Minato's son would be so daft?_

Iruka strolled back in to the room, wearing a clean shirt. He stopped in the doorway watching Kakashi uncertainly as he pushed up his headband and wiped at his eyes.

"What's up?" He asked, his stomach churning. Mismatched eyes looked up at him. They were filled with unguarded misery as he whispered the words.

"I can't do this anymore."

OoOoOoOo

"What even is this?" Tenzou asked himself, holding up a purple leafy plant he had purchased earlier. "Fuckin' Genma, psyching me out. Now I have no fucking food." He grumbled, dropping the vegetable amongst the others.

He had promised Kakashi dinner and thanks to the special Jonin it wasn't going to be fancy. He considered slipping back to the market a couple of hours after his encounter but thought better of it. If Genma _was_ following him he would only serve to embarrass himself returning to buy the food he actually wanted.

He looked up at sound of shuffling coming from outside his front door. He smiled to himself as he drew near, realising from the familiar chakra signature that it was Kakashi. Pulling opened the door, his smile faded. The red rimmed eyes and forlorn look coated on his friend's face making him feel weak.

"Hey." He said softly, not sure if the Jonin could even hear him. He moved forward slowly to take the things the man was holding delicately in his arms. An odd assortment of clothes, books and other small possessions.

"I left him." He said miserably, stepping in to the apartment. Leaving Tenzou standing in the hallway with a look of disbelief plastered on his face.


	7. Chapter 7

"He hasn't eaten in 2 days and he didn't show up to his training session with the Genin this morning either." Tenzou whispered, his arms folded, brows furrowed in worry.

"Thank you for notifying me. I'll probably have to threaten him with a hospital stay if he doesn't eat anything today." Tsunade whispered back, her own face displaying worry as well. "Where is he?" She asked, looking around her.

"In the bedroom." He answered, pointing. She smiled at him kindly, a sympathetic look that promised she would help in any way she could. She entered the bedroom hesitantly, knocking on the wall as she walked through the opened door.

"Kakashi?" She called as she moved towards the bed. He ignored her, his staring eyes looking through her as she bent down, her face inches from his. Sighing she sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him. He was still dressed in full Jonin uniform. She doubted Yamato had even been able to get the man to bathe judging by the fact that his shins were still wrapped as well. Slowly she moved her hand towards his pale face, pausing before she touched him, giving him time to reject the contact if he wanted. She ever so gently pulled down his headband to cover the glassy Sharingan.

"You're wasting Chakra brat." She said softly, as she lightly stroked his cold cheek with the back of her hand, just once before withdrawing. Gradually she moved her hands over his chest, again giving him a chance to push her away before she focused some chakra in to them.

He exhaled shakily as warm sensation spread through his chest. It felt soothing. His chest loosening ever so slightly as the medic examined him with careful palms.

"You're not getting any better Kakashi." She said sternly, yet with compassion. "Your heart is weak. It's very rare for patients to exhibit symptoms again after an episode but I'm worried about you. If you're not careful this could turn in to a full on heart condition. It could threaten your work as a Shinobi." She paused, hoping he would react. He merely blinked once, continuing to stare straight ahead at nothing in particular. "I think we're going to have to talk medication. I didn't want to do this but you're going to need some kind of blood pressure medication, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, to name a few. If you don't eat something today I **will** admit you back in to the hospital and you **will not** leave until you are completely well. I gave you liberties I shouldn't have letting you out in to Tenzou's care but you have taken them too far brat. You'll kill yourself if you keep going this way."

Kakashi scoffed, a small smile spreading across his face. Tsunade felt Tenzou shuffle uncomfortably behind her. She could tell his mind was boarding the same train as hers. She sighed again, an exasperated sound that warned of her impending loss of temper.

"Don't you go smiling at the thought of death." She hissed, leaning close so only Kakashi could hear her. "I've seen that look before Kakashi. On your Father's face. You remember how it felt when he left you? Don't you dare do that to the people who care about you." She warned, taking his chin in her hand and forcing him to look at her. "I **will** make you better. The Hatake clan isn't going to end with you." She said defiantly before standing, placing her hands on hips. "Get up!" She demanded.

Kakashi glared at her. How dare she say that about him? About his clan. If he wanted to end his life who was she to prevent him from doing so. He had no immediate plans, but it hurt what was left of his pride to feel like the choice had been taken from him.

He stood slowly. Tenzou rushed to his side, slinging a shaky arm over his strong shoulder and steadying him.

"The medication isn't up for debate but the hospital stay is. You have 5 minutes to eat something in my presence before the choice is taken away from you." She said strictly, turning and heading out of the room, towards the kitchen.

A reluctant Copy Ninja allowed his friend to drag him after her and sit him at the table. A small thump echoed around the tiny room as he let his entire body weight slump on to the chair like a child having a tantrum.

"What is this?" Tsunade asked, holding up a familiar looking purple plant. Tenzou opened his mouth to explain but thought better of it, opting for a shrug instead. "Is it edible?" She pressed, a look of confusion spread across her features.

"I… don't know." He answered softly, a small blush gracing his cheeks. She cocked her head slightly at his response, then shook it in exasperation as she dropped the vegetable back on to the table. "If I had of known I would be having the Hokage in my apartment I would have been better prepared M'lady." He apologised. She waved him off, taking some bread from the counter and helping herself to his fridge.

Tenzou watched in bewilderment as the leader of his village made a peanut butter sandwich for a sulking Jonin.

"Eat this, sook. That's an order." She stated as she put the crudely made sandwich in front of her patient. He eyed it curiously, swallowing hard. His stomach churned at the thought of food.

"No." He said in barely more than a whisper.

"What was that?" She thundered.

"No thank you Ma'am." He corrected softly. "I'm not hungry."

"Kakashi if you don't eat they will put you in the hospital on a drip." Tenzou said flatly, a firm hand on his back. He leaned close. Kakashi shivered at the feel of breath on his ear as he whispered. "You won't be able to sleep in my bed anymore. You'll be alone."

The silver haired man looked incredibly lost. The feeling of neglect he had been keeping at bay for months creeping in to his stomach and up towards his throat as he pushed away the urge to vomit. He shook his head, eyes closed as he forced himself to breathe, realising fearfully a panic attack was imminent.

Tsunade's hands were on him in a flash, she monitored his heart rate and ran a soothing hand down his back in long timed strokes encouraging him to breathe at the same pace.

"Tenzou I'm sorry, you've been a fantastic help but you've done all you can. I need to take it from here. He needs nourishment and he's obviously not going to eat on his own." She said quietly. Kakashi shook his head again at her words. Speaking incoherently, trying to tell her no as she explained to his friend that she would contact him to meet her later.

They were gone in an instant. Tenzou allowed himself to sink in to the chair Kakashi had just vacated. He rubbed his face with the palms of his hands, groaning at his failure coupled with disappointment.

OoOoOoOo

It was a full 24 hours before Yamato heard the faint chirping of a small yellow bird coming from outside his window. He rushed towards it, opening the window and listening as the sweet sounds relayed Tsunade's message.

He dressed swiftly and leapt from the window, the rooftops being the fastest route to the hospital. He jumped down in to the streets a block away and walked the rest of the way. He didn't want to seem too eager.

As he made his way inside a peculiar sense of foreboding washed over him and he suddenly realised this wasn't going to be a happy social visit. Kakashi would either be heavily sedated or entirely too erratic to speak with. Hands in pockets and head down he made his way towards the front desk.

"Hatake?" He asked when the medic behind the desk looked up at him. She checked her chart, looking back up with an air of acknowledgment on her face.

"Are you Tenzou?" She asked with a smile. He nodded slowly. "Lady Tsunade wants to see you. Kakashi Hatake is in room 210. She'll be waiting in there for you."

He nodded again, the menacing feeling getting steadily worse. The door was opened so he didn't bother knocking as he entered. He stopped in his tracks, his heart sinking as he watched the scene in front of him.

Tsunade sat on a plastic chair by Kakashi's bedside. His hand in hers as she stroked it delicately with her thumb. She was whispering to him inaudibly as silent tears fell from his medication glazed eyes. He was tucked under thick blankets but Tenzou could clearly see that he was no longer wearing his uniform, a hospital gown covering his thin frame.

Pity crept in to his thoughts as he gathered how the proud man must have felt to wake and find someone else had dressed him. They had also removed his mask. He supposed it was to help with his breathing. He pushed the pity away harshly, not wanting to feel that way. Kakashi would be devastated if he realised even his friend that promised no judgement was pitying him.

He regathered himself, walking forwards and making his presence known by clearing his throat. Tsunade turned to look at him while Kakashi stared straight ahead.

"Ah, good." She said as she let go of the man's hand and stood. She gestured towards the seat and he took it with a nod. Kakashi reached for him with his empty hand and exhaled calmly as he took it and resumed the gentle caress's the Godaime had started. "He's just woken from the sedatives I gave him when he arrived here last night. He has had all the medication he needs fed to him through the drip and he won't need to actually eat anything for a day or two but I'll be back to check on him before then anyway. He probably won't be able to talk much because of all the drugs I've given him. In fact I'll be surprised if you get anything coherent out of him at all tonight. He'll probably just go back to sleep now that you're here which is fine. The more rest he gets the better." She paused.

"This is officially a mission now Shinobi. You are to stay by his side until he is well. I'm not officially classing this as a break just yet but if he gets any worse I will have no choice. This will go on his file as an illness related respite from duty and it will go on yours as a private S rank mission directly from the Hokage. Do you understand?"

Tenzou nodded, hoping that she was right about the other man not being coherent. Talking about him so blatantly right in front of him surely couldn't be good for his ego or his recovery.

"There's one more thing." She paused. "Iruka… wanted to visit him. I have no idea how he found out he was here but I assume it has nothing to do with you and a lot to do with Genma chatting up that pretty nurse at the front desk."

Tenzou shook his head in utter disbelief.

 _Oh. My. God. He's fucking everywhere!_

"That being said, the Chunin is to come nowhere close to Kakashi until he is out of the hospital and he feels stable enough to handle that. Understood?" She asked again.

"Yes M'lady. Thank you." The ANBU replied promptly.

"Good." She said. "Feel better Kakashi." She smiled, turning on her heel and exiting the room. She closed the door behind her, leaving them in a relaxed silence. Tenzou wondered if Kakashi would understand him if he was to speak. He looked incredibly dazed. He pondered why he was crying, whether it was embarrassment from understanding the situation or the confusion of not overwhelming him.

"Kakashi?" He whispered when he was sure they were alone. "Kakashi if there's anything I can do. You know I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He said, squeezing his hand confidently.

Kakashi eyed him for a second before slowly raising his arm pointing across the room. Tenzou turned in the direction of his finger, seeing nothing he turned back shaking his head. Kakashi pointed again, nodding his head at the same bearing. The brunette let go of his hand wearily, standing and walking in the direction the man was indicating. He stopped short of the small shelf where Kakashi's uniform was folded neatly. He picked it up, his heart quivered slightly as he realised what he wanted. He fished around in the pocket, smiling to himself as he walked back towards the bed.

Kakashi snuggled down against the covers, facing Tenzou as he returned to his bedside and sat back down in the plastic chair.

"Here." He said softly, handing him the small stuffed dog. Kakashi sighed contently as he brought in to his chest, closing his eyes as he held out his hand for Tenzou to take.

"Don't go." He mumbled, bringing the blanket up under his chin so the toy was hidden under it.

"I'm not going anywhere." Tenzou reassured him, bringing the other man's hand to his mouth and kissing it softly.

OoOoOoOo

"Can I ask you something?" Yamato questioned, looking from his pastel friend to the stuffed dog in his hands.

"My Mother gave it to me." Kakashi whispered, answering the question he knew was coming to save his friend the trouble of wording it in an unoffending manner. Tenzou nodded slowly in understanding. If he owned something that his mother had given him he doubted he would be able to part with it during adulthood. "When she was sick…" Kakashi continued. "She told me that if I was feeling upset in the future to hug the dog and think about happy things and everything would be okay." He swallowed the lump in his throat, determined to finish the story. "She knew she was going to die but… I didn't understand. I was too young. When she eventually did pass my Dad started to go a little insane I think. I doubt he wold have made the decision he did on that mission if he was in his right mind… and even if he did make that decision and Mom was alive, she would have stopped him from… Doing… what he did." He paused. "Anyway I… I always hugged the dog when I was sad because I was 4 when Mom died and I believed adamantly everything she told me was true. She said the dog would make me happy so I kept it with me whenever I was sad. Then Dad…" He trailed off. Tenzou took his hand, caressing it lightly.

"You don't have to continue. I get it. I shouldn't have asked."

"No I want to tell you. I feel like… you understand." He admitted. "I've never felt like that around someone else before."

"That's because I do understand." Tenzou confessed with a coy smile. "I know I didn't have parents. Well… obviously I did. But I didn't know them like you did. I understand the pain of being alone Kakashi. But I must admit I don't understand the pain of loss as greatly as you do. I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose a parent. I need you to know I don't judge you for the dog." He finished.

"I know you don't. That's why I have it in front of you. I never even showed it to… Iruka…" He choked.

"Don't think about him." Tenzou commanded firmly. "Let's talk about something else okay? Did I tell you my theory about Genma?" He smiled. Kakashi shook his head weakly. "Okay so… hear me out before you tell me I'm wrong. I think he's a ghost."

Kakashi laughed out loud and Yamato beamed. He always took great pleasure in hearing that man's laugh. A real laugh, not the small chuckle he let slip in front of acquaintances.

"Or… maybe a unicorn." Tenzou continued, abandoning his original story and opting to instead make the most ridiculous assumptions possible in the hopes of cheering up his friend. Kakashi grinned, his eyes on the small dog as he turned it over in his hands. "That man… that… thing. He's fucking everywhere. Okay so…" He paused, amping up suspense as if he was narrating the trailer of an action thriller. "Picture this… I'm at the market…."

Kakashi continued to smile to himself, laughing occasionally as Tenzou obviously over exaggerated his story, making his encounters with the Special Jonin sound like supernatural experiences and himself sound like and action hero as he told the story he had named: The Purple Plant.


	8. Chapter 8

This chapter contains adult themes that have been edited down to suit the M rating. The explicit version is posted on Archive of our own. Copy the link below and paste in to your browser after the AO3 website name.

/works/3171836/chapters/7270109

OoOoOoOo

"You're looking better." Tsunade smiled as she entered the small hospital room.

"I guess 4 days on hard drugs does that to you." Kakashi said wearily. She shot him a disapproving look but it didn't have much impact as her eyes flashed a smile. The relief she felt seeing him awake and laughing was overwhelming. But she was the Hokage. She couldn't show her personal feelings so readily.

"I've been told by the nurses that you are eating regularly and sleeping well. As long as you continue to take your medication when you leave…. I think you are free to go." She said cheerfully. Kakashi's face lit up slightly. She could see the relief flash through his own eyes at her words. "But Kakashi… You're not to go back to your duties. We've told you Genin that you are on a top secret S rank mission and I've personally threatened the more… _vocal_ , of our workforce that if they are to utter a single word about where you really are they will be neutered. So you don't have to be worried about that. I want you to go home with Tenzou and you are to stay with him until I have personally examined you and given you a clean bill of health, understand?" She asked, leaning forward slightly.

"Yes M'lady." He said weakly.

"And Tenzou." She turned to face the ANBU who had been silently observing from his seat next to the bed. "Take care of him. If he ends up back in this hospital it will be on your ass, got it?"

"Yes… Of course M'lady." He answered, gulping audibly.

"Good. Enjoy your time off." Her eyes sparkled as she threw a quick wink in their direction. Yamato was surprised to see Kakashi blush furiously without his mask to hide his cheeks.

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi sat cross legged on Tenzou's bed. He leaned slightly against the headboard as he flipped leisurely through the pages of Icha Icha. He hadn't dared try to read it since that day at the training grounds. But after being released from the hospital the day before, his heart feeling physically lighter due to the medication he was on. He felt it was time to get back on the horse.

Tenzou was sitting a few feet away from him, folding clothes. He had decided that if his friend was staying indefinitely that he would have to make room for some of his things. He didn't want Kakashi to have to live out of a suitcase. He was recovering well, faster than Tsunade had anticipated and he was worried that if he didn't do everything in his power to make the other man feel comfortable that he might relapse.

Kakashi's eyes flicked from his book to the man on the floor. He felt guilty that his friend was doing all this work to accommodate him. But every time he had offered to help he was waved away and told to relax.

He was surprised with himself. He rarely felt comfortable around anyone, not even his friends. But since he had started spending time with the ANBU he had found that he felt oddly pacified when the man was present. He used to feel the same way around Iruka, at the beginning. It hadn't really realised that that particular aspect of their relationship had dissipated until he had started feeling that way around Tenzou. Now when he thought back on his last few months with Iruka he realised that what he had mistaken for contentment was actually just familiarity.

After a moment's thought it occurred to him that he had stopped reading his book a few pages ago. His eyes were glancing towards his friend so regularly that it could have been called leering, he had barely read a single line. Although he knew the story by heart and turned the pages when necessary, he whole heartedly wasn't paying attention.

"Tenzou." He asked, his voice soft, heart pounding.

He looked up, a dubious smirk crossing his face as Kakashi petted the bed in front of him invitingly. He stood obediently, making his way over and sitting cross legged in front of the other man.

"What?" He asked with a chuckle after a long silence. Kakashi stared at him, heart in his throat.

"I… um…" Kakashi said lamely, trailing off. He started to feel stupid. His genius had failed him. Tenzou cocked his head slightly, a frown furrowing his brows.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concern laced in his voice. He had taken to asking him that question frequently. If Kakashi so much as cleared his throat he was there in an instant asking if he was okay.

"Yes. Thanks to you." He answered finally. Their eyes locked and Tenzou was surprised to see the mismatched orbs were clouded with an unguarded emotion. His breath hitched.

 _He's…_

Before he could finish his thought he was being kissed. His surprise swallowed by Kakashi's hungry lips as he moved closer, straddling Tenzou's lap.

There was a couple of seconds of shock before his body responded, his lips moving in time with his friend's and his penis becoming ridiculously hard at the realization that the moment he had imagined in his mind since he had first met the man, was finally happening.

Tenzou wrapped his arms around Kakashi, holding him tight for a second before a hand slipped down to cup his buttocks and pull him closer. The other hand ran slowly up his back and neck to rest in the other man's hair, tugging lightly as they panted against each other's mouths.

Kakashi pulled away and Tenzou moaned at the loss of contact. The Jonin tugged insistently at the hem of his friend's shirt and he lifted his arms obediently so the offending article of clothing could be removed. The same action was then repeated for him. Kakashi keened towards the warmth of the other's skin. He ran his hand down a firm chest and pinched at a dusky nipple. Tenzou groaned, his body getting ahead of his mind. He removed Kakashi's hand gently, pulling it up to his mouth and kissing it softly before leaning close.

"I don't want to take advantage of you." He whispered, his breath lingering near the shell of the other's ear.

"I want this." Kakashi breathed back, his hips pressing forward a few times in to his friend's painfully obvious arousal. Tenzo grunted, a small gasp following, sending shivers down the Jonin's spine. "Please?" The Copy Ninja asked, leaning in to run his skilled tongue up the other's neck and along his jaw.

Tenzou couldn't take it anymore. He stilled Kakashi's rutting hips with one hand and used the other to unbutton the pants in front of him. A moan escaped the Jonin's lips as a hand pulled his erection free with a firm grip. He pumped it slowly, watching as Kakashi's eyes fluttered closed and his mouth fell opened. A moan that was almost a cry falling from the slackened jaw.

"Tenzouuuu." He keened, his hips overpowering the restraint and thrusting forward again. Yamato grunted once more, using the hand that had been relieved of its duties to undo his own pants. His cock throbbed painfully. "Fuck." Kakashi groaned as he felt the heat of the other's arousal connect with his.

Tenzou pumped them both together with his right hand, using his left to pull Kakashi even closer, capturing his lips in a fiercely possessive kiss.

"Ugh… Jesus… fuck…" He whispered against the Copy Nin's mouth, his strokes becoming faster, more deliberate.

"I'm n-not… uhh… going to… last." Kakashi stuttered out, pulling his mouth away from the others and letting his head fall back as another long moan escaped him. He used his arms to hold himself up, resting them on the bed behind him as hurtled towards release.

Tenzou grinned, leaning forward to bite down hard on the other's exposed pulse point.

"Fuck! Tenzou!" Kakashi screamed, his hips rutting forwards hard as the mixture of pleasure and pain caused him to lose it. His orgasm ravaged his entire body. Toes curled as tears stung his eyes, the force of his climax so strong it was almost painful.

"Senpai!" Tenzou groaned out, his own peak triggered by the sight of Kakashi's rigid body, shaking with desire. It knocked the wind out of him. He found himself falling backwards until he was staring up at the ceiling.

There was relative silence for a moment as their heavy breathing slowed to soft pants. Kakashi opened his eyes slowly, pushing himself up to he wasn't leaning on his arms anymore. He was still straddling his friend, a coy grin on his face.

Tenzou looked up at him a shy smile crossing his own features as he let go of his Senpai's cock.

"That was… hm." He coughed nervously. "Good."

"Amazing." Kakashi corrected.

"Well yeah… It was. I've never… hm." Another cough. "Cum so hard from something like that before. It winded me." He admitted timidly.

"Me either… I didn't know something… like _that_ … could be so enjoyable." Kakashi said, stumbling over his words trying to find the right way to express himself.

Iruka was his first real partner. The first person he had allowed to call him his. He had fucked other people in the past. But it was just sex. The occasional blow job from a woman in a bar. But he had never had anyone bring him to completion with just a hand... Save when he had tried to break up with Iruka and himself when he was alone of course.

The scanty orgasm he had experienced at Iruka's hand just days before had him believing that it wasn't possible for a hand job to feel so amazing.

 _I was so wrong…_

He thought, briefly wondering what else he was wrong about.

"We should… um, clean up I suppose." Tenzou smiled, pointing between their messy stomachs. Kakashi nodded, moving off him quickly and sitting awkwardly on his knees, not sure what to do next. "Did you want to grab a shower?" The ANBU asked, standing and holding out his hand. His friend nodded again, taking the hand and allowing himself to be lead in to the bathroom.

Yamato hummed as he turned on the water and checked the temperature. He shed his pants, motioned for Kakashi to follow him in when the water was right. They washed in silence, both thinking about how to encroach the subject that desperately needed to be spoken about before it was too late.

Kakashi tried hurriedly to think of the right words, but his mind and body betrayed him so readily as he watched his Kohai lather himself in soap. Before he could stop himself he was pressing the other man against the shower wall, his erection rubbing insistently against the others thigh as he kissed him passionately. Tenzou moaned, smiling in to the kiss as he felt himself growing hard again.

He pulled away, gently using his hands to hold the other man still as he slipped away from him. Kakashi looked slightly embarrassed at his overeager gesture being denied.

"I think we should talk first." Tenzou whispered. He pulled Kakashi close once more, kissing him softly and then moving away again. A small apology for pulling away without explanation and a promised that if their talk goes well he would definitely be keen to resume Kakashi's ministrations.

The Copy Ninja nodded in understanding at the unspoken words, the sting of rejection only slightly lessoned by the promising kiss. He doubted he would be able to work up the courage to take charge again even if their talk did go well. He had never handled rejection very well, as evidenced by his medical condition.

They finished cleaning themselves in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Tenzou realized his mistake when he had seen the hurt flash through Kakashi's eyes. But there was nothing that could be done now other than talk it out.

They moved to the bedroom and dried off, dressing in a silence filled with tension as each man struggled to decide on how to proceed, both hoping that the other would start the conversation. Eventually Tenzou sighed, sitting down on the edge of his bed and motioning for Kakashi to sit next to him. He knew it was his job to start the talk. Kakashi being in the vulnerable state he was in meant that for once in his life he was allowing another person to take care of him. To be in charge of him. The ANBU realized that this was probably the first and only time he had allowed this to happen since his Father had passed. Kakashi was a man that needed to be in control.

 _It must be incredibly distressing for him to be relying on me so heavily._

"Kakashi." He started, waiting until the other man's mismatched eyes were locked with his before he continued. "I like you." He said softly, taking note of the slight raise of the other brows. "I have… for a long time. But… you probably knew that." The Jonin nodded, forcing down his own words until the other had finished his speech. "But… You only just ended your relationship with Iruka and… knowing you the way I do… I feel that if you felt like you had the choice to stay with him you would have. So… I guess what I'm saying is that I understand you're still in love with him." He finished, smiling faintly. It was hard to keep the hurt from his voice. He didn't need his Senpai feeling sorry for him.

Sensing that the conversation wouldn't continue unless he added something Kakashi opened his mouth to speak. He stopped himself suddenly, changing his mind at the last minute. He knew what he wanted to say but not how to relay it.

"Tenzou… I…" He paused, rubbing at his forehead with his palm as if trying to massage the words from his brain. "I _do_ love Iruka… But… I don't _want_ to." He said as evenly as he could manage. "He's a hypocritical douchebag. He hurt me. I believed him when he promised he never would and now I've been humiliated in front of the whole village." He stopped again, his mouth suddenly dry at the thought. He cleared his throat and exhaled slowly. "I've always liked you Tenzou… But as a friend."

Yamato nodded, looking away suddenly, his lips pursed. The words he dreaded hearing hurt more than he could have imagined.

"Well then…" He interjected. "I think we should leave it there. We both know what's going to be said so how about we just leave it before someone gets hurt." He chuckled awkwardly as he stood, needing to get away from the situation before the walls that threatened to close in on him collapsed. He didn't want Kakashi knowing he was already hurt. He didn't need the pity.

A hand wrapped around his and tugged at it lightly. He looked down despite himself, not wanting to see Kakashi's beautiful face at this moment.

"I'm not finished." He said softly, tugging his hand again. Tenzou sat back down, curiosity getting the better of him. "I've always liked you as a friend but these past few days when I look at you… I've felt something else stirring in the pit of my stomach. The way your face lights up when you smile, your dark eyes glinting when you make a joke, it was almost too much for me to take." He smiled, looking down. "I'm incredibly attracted to you. I feel safe with you. I… tell you things that I have never told anyone… You're… like… my anchor." He struggled, looking up again. "But I'm scared."

"I don't want to be your rebound Kakashi." Tenzou said sternly, wanting to make his desires known to the full extent. "If you want me… you have to promise me that you're giving your whole self to me. That when you get better you won't just fuck off and find someone else."

"That's what I'm scared of." Kakashi choked, tears brimming in his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. I know how deeply you feel for me and I can honestly admit right now that I don't feel that deeply for you…. Yet. What I feel at the moment is a crush at best. I've always sort of liked you. I've always thought you were hot but I didn't know you were gay and when I found out it was too late because I was with Iruka… I… ugh, God, I really… really hope that this, what I feel… turns in to something more but… I can't promise it and…" His eyes overflowed, he rubbed at them with his free hand embarrassed to be crying once again. "I hate this!" He shouted suddenly. "I'm strong! I don't cry!"

Tenzou smiled, his heart was heavy with his own pain, but Kakashi was sick, he came first. He leant forward, pulling the other man in to a solid hug.

"It's okay. I understand." He sighed.

"No! You don't! I… I can't promise I'll love you but I don't want to lose you." He faltered.

"You won't." Yamato chuckled, rubbing at the other's back softly.

"You can't promise that though can you?" Kakashi asked softly, his face now resting in the crook of the other's neck.

"No." Tenzou answered honestly. "I will always be your friend Kakashi. But I can't promise that I'll be available and waiting for you forever. I have my own needs that range beyond sex. I want someone to be here waiting for me when I come home. I want to have someone to fight for when I'm on a mission. I want a family." He said softly. "I want you so bad but… If you can't promise you'll give me those things then I think we should just pretend that didn't happen before. We didn't actually have sex… We can come back from this." He finished, pulling away to look in Kakashi's eyes once more.

He nodded reluctantly, wanting with every fibre of his being to be able to say he'd give him those things.

"Okay... so it's settled. We're just friends." Tenzou smiled weakly, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. He stood, looking around awkwardly for a second before deciding what to do next.

"Dinner?" He asked.

 _At least he'll sit with me while we eat…_

Kakashi nodded eagerly. Incredibly happy that he hadn't been thrown out, yet filled with sadness at the prospect of hurting someone he cared for deeply. He wanted desperately to tell Tenzou he loved him. To promise he would love him forever and never ever hurt him. But unlike Iruka, he knew when to keep his mouth shut. He needed to make sure he wasn't just rebounding before he said anything. He needed to make sure the feeling he thought was _love_ , was real. He couldn't tell him he loved him until he made sure every little bit of love he had for Iruka was gone.

OoOoOoOo

 _The incident._

That's how Kakashi had come to refer to what had happened the day before. Not out loud of course. Just in his mind, as he analysed it over, over and over again.

 _28 hours now…_

He thought dejectedly as he watched his 'just friend' making dinner. His toned arms flexing as he moved about in the kitchen, chopping vegetables. He had never noticed how muscular his Kohai had become. He hadn't seen him without a shirt on since their ANBU days. The regular Jonin uniform and civilian clothes he had been wearing for the last couple of days really didn't do his figure justice.

He swallowed at the thought, his eyes flicking down when he realised he was staring. He wondered what the other man was thinking. He seemed unaffected by the incident. Which in turn left himself feeling incredibly foolish and self-conscious for thinking about nothing else for the last 28 hours.

 _Has he even thought about it at all? Why can't I stop thinking about it? It was… Amazing. I just… I can't hurt him. Not Tenzou... I need him. I don't love him. It's just a crush… Lust…_

He thought, his breath hitching and his pants tightening.

"Kakashi?"

"Yes?" He asked, looking up swiftly. Tenzou was eyeing him questionably.

"I said do you want pumpkin?"

"Oh… Yes please." He answered softly, looking back towards his hands. Willing his erection to go down.

"Are you alright?" Tenzou asked, moving around the table to place a comforting hand on his friend's strong shoulder. Kakashi felt himself shudder, his heart thumping loudly at the contact. His body responding as his friend squeezed gently.

"I… Um... Yeah. I'm fine… Excuse me." He lied, jumping up suddenly. "I need to… Um" he trailed off, backing away and pointing towards the bathroom. He locked the door behind him. Leaving a stunned Tenzou standing, arms folded in the kitchen.

He leaned against the door, sighing at his lack of tact. He cringed. His friend had probably observed his arousal.

 _He's probably laughing at me._

He closed his eyes, hands trailing down his own stomach before resting hotly on his cock. He whimpered slightly, the friction almost painful. He removed his hand, stripping off his clothing and stepping in to the shower. He turned the nozzle, letting ice cold water spray over his front. He hissed, hands clenching, teeth gritted as he subjected himself to this innocent form of torture.

Tenzou grinned to himself. He had been trying to forget what had happened but the persistent presence of the silver haired Jonin had been making it hard to breathe. He could have sworn he had seen the beginnings of a bulge in his pants as he stood. But he could have imagined it. Either way it was a nice thought.

Kakashi had already showered this evening but he could hear the running water pulsating softly through the wall. He smiled as he went back to cooking their dinner.

 _Maybe he was worked up… That would explain the jumpiness. But then again maybe he's upset…_

The smile fell from his face as he imagined his dear friend crying in the bottom of the shower. He willed the thought away, focusing instead on the meal in front of him. He had often heard the expression: ' _The way to a man's heart is through his stomach'_ and seeing as trying to get there through his dick hadn't worked he thought he may as well give this a try.

The shower stopped and Kakashi emerged a few minutes later, wearing only his sleep pants, looking flustered.

 _Either he just had a very warm shower or he's been…_

He stopped the thought mid-way, not wanting to think about the possibilities. He needed to get this meal perfect and fantasising about his friend touching himself was not the way to do that.

 _The way his cheeks flushed as he dipped his head back, mouth opened, milky neck exposed._

He swallowed hard, concentrating on stirring the gravy.

 _The small sounds that slipped from his lips when my hand wrapped around him…._

A few blinks to clear his vision.

 _The look of bliss on his face as he came…_

"Fuck." Tenzou hissed, pulling his hand away from the boiling liquid to inspect the damage. "NOoOoOoOo…" He whined softly as he used his uninjured hand to move pot of gravy off the hotplate and turn it off. It had boiled over while his mind was elsewhere, scolding him in the process. Kakashi was next to him in a flash, directing him to the sink and holding his wounded hand under cold water.

He was in pain, but it was nothing compared to how he had been hurt on missions. This pain was mild at best.

"You weren't paying attention." Kakashi whispered, his breath hot on his friend's ear. It was Tenzou's turn to gulp, his own pants feeling incredibly tight at the close contact. He nodded feebly, leaning back slightly so his shoulder rested against Kakashi's chest. The Copy Ninja had his other arm cradled protectively around his lower back. It felt nice. "What were you thinking about?" He asked, deliberately slow and drawn out, so his breath danced along the sensitive skin of the brunette's neck.

"You." He answered honestly, turning his head slightly to look in to Kakashi's uncovered Sharingan. There was a second's pause before he made up his mind, leaning forward just a touch to capture Kakashi's lips. His friend moaned, his grip tightening.

Tenzou pulled his hand away from the water, shutting it off before turning and roughly pushing Kakashi so his backside was up against the kitchen table. Kakashi let himself be pushed down so he was sitting on it, his friend parting his thighs insistently so he could stand between them. He was kissed passionately, his breath practically being sucked out of him as his erection from earlier returned with a vengeance. He hadn't touched himself in the shower. Sheer willpower had willed it away and was keeping it in check until now.

"Fuck… Tenzou…" He whimpered, grinding his hips forward slightly. "I can't…. give you…" He whispered brokenly between pants. "Everything."

"I don't care." Tenzou growled in response, pushing Kakashi again so his back hit the table roughly. "I don't care." He lied again, his eyes watering involuntarily. Kakashi ignored it, knowing the feeling too well. He scooted up the table so he was lying on it completely and wrapped his legs around Tenzou's waist.

OoOoOoOo

After a quick wipe down Tenzou was at a loss of what to do. Their dinner may have been ruined in his absence, but Kakashi still couldn't sleep on the kitchen table.

He debated waking the man and asking him to move, but thought better of it. He hadn't seen Kakashi sleep so peacefully in his whole life. He was always rigid, ready to strike.

He sighed, pulling his own pants back on before leaning down to plant a small kiss on his friend's lips. He slipped his hands under, lifting him up. He was surprised he didn't rouse. But then again, how often did Kakashi actually sleep easy. How often did he allow himself to fall in to a deep sleep?

 _Never…_

He thought bitterly as he laid him down on the bed.

 _He always feels vulnerable. But I guess he feels safe here._

He stepped back, pulling the covers over his friend's sleeping form and smiling, his heart fluttering at the sight. He moved across the room, plucking something off the top of the dresser before slipping it under the blanket and in to warm hands.

Kakashi pulled the dog close, sighing contently as dreams of a happy life plagued his sleep addled mind.

Tenzou moved back in to the kitchen, satisfied with his handy work. He cleaned up the ruined food and put the kitchen back in order. Opting to skip dinner, ignoring the persistent growls of his ravenous stomach.

He didn't care. He didn't want to hear it. He was too eager to slip in to bed next to the man he loved.


	9. Chapter 9

One strong hand raked firmly through silver hair that glinted faintly in the moonlit room. The other cradled him protectively in a warm embrace, making him feel safe. His body sated and his mind free of worry for the first time in over 10 years. He had never felt more at home.

There was movement behind him as the hands stopped caressing, leaving his body feeling cold as the mattress dipped and his bedmate slipped from sight. He shivered, a sense of foreboding washing over him as abruptly as the cold night air.

After a few minutes on his own he moved out from under the covers, wanting to follow the warmth that was his friend. He approached the living room silently. He wasn't really sneaking on purpose. Spending nearly his whole life as a Shinobi had made him naturally light-footed. He tended to always be silent, unless he wanted himself to be heard.

He thought back to the days before, when he had finally pulled the plug on his relationship. He had dragged his feet purposefully along the long hall that lead to the apartment door, hoping that Tenzou would hear him. He had needed to be heard. To be grounded before his willpower lost out and he flung himself off the balcony.

Small sounds pulled him back to reality as he pushing himself up against the wall. The bedroom lead directly in to the combined living room and kitchenette. He wouldn't have a chance to hide if he left the bedroom, so instead he opted to press against the wall next to the door. He tilted his head slowly, looking out in to the darkness of the other room.

Tenzou sat cross legged on the small window seat next to the kitchenette. He was looking out over the city, the nice view obstructed by other large buildings and the neon lights leading to all night liquor stores or the open late adult bookshops that accompanied the type of neighbourhood he lived in.

Kakashi could see the glint of tears reflecting off his cheeks. He rubbed at them, sniffing softly as he brushed hair out of his face. He exhaled shakily before returning his stare out the window. Kakashi felt his chest tighten. He wasn't sure what to do. Tenzou had obviously slipped away for privacy and he wanted to let him have it.

He stepped away from the wall, moving back towards the bed. He snuggled in to the covers, wondering if he had made the right decision. When he had been crying that night, Tenzou had brought him in to his bed, petted his back and told him everything would be fine.

 _But that was different. He knew why I was upset… If I go out there now, he might be embarrassed. He might want me to leave… I should just wait for him to come back. If he comes back…_

He stared at the wall, trying to muster the courage to go to his friend's side. But the rational, logical part of his brain was telling him loudly it was a bad idea. He should just stay…

 _What if he wants me to go to him? What if he's hoping I'll go and he's sad when I don't? This is what he means when he says he wants me to give him everything… But I already told him I can't… I can't give him everything he needs. But I can go to him… Wait no… He said he didn't care. But he does. I know he was lying…_

He growled in frustration, pulling at his hair hard, eyes shut tight as he grappled with his split reasoning. He couldn't make up his mind but he needed to quickly. If he waited too long he could lose everything.

The bed dipped under him once more and his breath caught in his throat as a warm hand encircled his, pulling it away from his scalp. It was kissed lightly before it was brought down to rest on his waist. The warm hand leaving his and snaking down his stomach to hold him possessively once more. Kakashi's breathing was shallow. Tenzou didn't know he had been watching. He was reacting as if the mental turmoil he was experiencing was a simple nightmare. He probably thought he had walked back in at just the right time.

 _He probably thinks I'm comforted. That I am as relaxed and carefree as I was mere minutes ago. He doesn't realise anything has changed…_

OoOoOoOo

Iruka rolled his eyes for what had to be the fiftieth time as one of his students asked him a question that he had already answered earlier for another student. He repeated his answer, warning that he would not repeat himself again so they had better be listening.

The room was silent as he reiterated the importance of paying attention.

 _Only 5 more minutes..._

He thought anxiously as he sat back down at his desk, eyeing the clock hopefully. He sighed, leaning back in his chair. He still had a shift in the mission's office to get through before his day was over.

The bell finally rang and he jumped from his chair suddenly, ushering the children from the room even before some of them had collected all their things.

"You'll be back here tomorrow." He assured them. He was itching to get home today, although he wasn't sure why. His apartment was sad and half empty.

 _I should probably move my stuff out so Kakashi can move back in…_

He mused as he made his way to the mission's office.

 _It was 'his' place before it was 'ours'… I fucked everything. I guess it's only fair I'm the one to leave._

He entered the building realising only as he did so that he was early for his shift. He slowed his pace, not really fancying the idea of doing extra, unpaid work while someone else got to go home early.

 _But what the hell. It's not like I have anything to go home for anyway… Besides a hot cup of tea. The person I relieve probably has a family._

He thought to himself as he slid the door in front of him opened.

 _Fifty one…_

He thought to himself as his eye's involuntarily shot upwards at the sight in front of him. The long exaggerated roll, missed by the couple in his line of sight.

"Could you not?" He asked in exasperation as he slid in behind the empty desk. It looked like whoever he was here to dismiss had left early on their own accord.

"Stop being so sour." Genma panted as he nibbled on his partner's lip. He groaned in response, pressing himself closer to the other man who was perched on the edge of his own desk.

Iruka wondered absently if every Shinobi in Konoha was gay.

"He has a reason to be sour." Raidou reasoned, pulling his lips away but letting his hands continue their free roaming.

"Oh that's right… Kakashi's new fuck buddy." The Special Jonin answered in a slow drawl. Feigning he had forgotten the information he was practically giddy about spilling.

Iruka looked up for his paper work, his eyes narrowing.

"What do you mean?" He asked, his heart sinking at the mention of the Copy Ninja's name.

Genma slipped off the desk and walked towards the Chunin. He rested his palms on the man's desk, leaning close so he could watch the reaction.

"Tenzou." He answered casually. "He's definitely fucking Kakashi."

Iruka's brow twitched slightly, the only evidence he gave of his barely contained murderous rage as he stared in to his friend's unwavering eyes and smiled.

"So?" He asked casually.

"So…" Raidou repeated, moving closer. "So you told us you broke up. But we had no idea why… until now."

Genma nodded, his face suddenly turning serious. He had had his fun. The joke was over. He placed a solid hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Seriously though… We're here for you…" He said softly. "If you need someone."

Iruka nodded his thanks, feeling the anger start to calm after witnessing the gesture. His heart felt warm and fuzzy. After everything he had done… He still had friends.

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi felt as though all eyes were on him as he slowly made his way to the hospital for his first weekly check-up. He had never really paid much attention to people around him, always having his face stuck in a porn novel to dissuade people from approaching him.

He stopped briefly to check the price on his favourite vegetable. It's not that he couldn't afford it normally. It's that a lot of his money is hidden in his old apartment and he was yet to retrieve it. He had confidence Iruka wouldn't find it. But on the off chance they would get back together in the future, he didn't want him knowing where he hid things like that. So he had forgone digging it out that night he had taken most of his small possessions with him.

Sniggering behind him caught his attention. He wasn't usually one to participate is gossip, but he felt like today the world was against him and he could use a good laugh at someone else's expense. Turning slowly he was surprised to see a young couple he vaguely recognised. Perhaps Iruka's colleagues? Their heads snapping away from him abruptly as they both began to pick up random objects much like he suspected Tenzou had done days before.

He realised suddenly that he was the bud of the joke. Feeling self-conscious he put the eggplant he was carrying down and slipped from the store. He would go back later when there were fewer people. Or perhaps, he decided as he entered the hospital; it was a sign. He didn't deserve the eggplant this week anyway.

The wait to see Tsunade felt like the wait to get in to hell. No one really wanted to be there, but they all knew they deserved it for one reason or another.

Kakashi had come to learn over the years that there were only 2 types of emotions people held towards him. They were either frightened, or enamoured. The latter was rare, but that was fine. Until his breakdown he didn't realise how much the absence of love in his life had affected him.

But the way these people were staring at him today. It was clear they held no fear in their hearts where he was concerned. People that feared something rarely looked in to its eyes and glared. The hate radiating from everyone around him was suffocating. His earlier thoughts about the world being against him returning. He closed his eye to try and block it out. The futile gesture just served to heighten his other senses. Sneering and small whispers sounding like they were being shouted.

"Come here brat." Tsunade's voice cut through the animosity like a knife as she took him by the arm. She led him away from the loathing, to a small exam room not far away from the waiting room. She closed the door behind them, locking it as she directed him to sit on an examination table. "How are you feeling?" She asked as she moved Chakra infused palms over his tight chest. He found himself relaxing, the warmth from her hands causing him to shudder involuntarily.

"Better." He answered honestly, ignoring the seeds of doubt sprouting in the back of his mind.

"Your heart is finally starting to get stronger. But I'm worried if I don't keep you off work that you'll strain yourself. If you were anyone else I'd order you to light duties but I know you too well Kakashi. You'd either injure yourself being reckless or someone will say something stupid and cause you to relapse. I think it's better I keep to my earlier words and keep you in Tenzou's care until you are completely healed. I already let you out of the hospital before I said I would. Light duties is definitely pushing it." She smiled, a slight hint of humour in her voice.

He nodded slowly, staring across the room, waiting for this to be over with so he could leave and go home to Tenzou. Asuma had asked him to help with something this afternoon. He had refused at first, saying he was supposed to stay home. But Kakashi had told him it was fine and he should go.

 _He was probably bored shitless sitting around the house with me anyway…_

He thought bitterly. He had said it was fine for him to go. But a very small part of him was jealous. It was his mission after all to look after the Copy Ninja. He should have refused more profusely. He should have wanted to spend extra time with him. Kakashi found himself missing his friend ridiculously. He knew he had no right to be jealous and even if he did, there was nothing to be jealous of. But that didn't stop his genius mind from wandering in to the dark recesses of his brain and pulling out all sorts of horrible scenarios, all ending with him back in the hospital or dead from his stupid broken heart.

"Well I think you're recovering well. Is there anything you wanted to talk to me about before you go?" Tsunade asked, having finished her poking and prodding of various orifices while he was lost in thought. He shook his head, not wanting to let on that anything was bothering him lest she cut him off from everyone completely. If she found out that Tenzou was causing him despair she would most certainly not let him stay with him anymore.

She waved him goodbye, ordering him to return the same time next week for a revaluation. He agreed, shoving his hands in his pockets and slouching slightly as he began his long trek back through the waiting room.

"Kakashi?" A voice behind him piped up. Time around him slowed down as he debated whether or not to answer. He could easily keep walking, pretend like he hadn't heard. But that was no good. Anko was nothing if not persistent.

He turned, raising a hand in greeting, visible eye crinkling a smile.

"Yo." He said simply, standing still, waiting for her to get to the point. She wasn't the type of person to beat around the bush. If she wanted to know how he was she would ask. There was no reason to deny he was ill.

"That was a shitty thing you did." She said bluntly, stopping a few inches in front of his face, her arms crossed in a huff.

"What?" He asked, eye snapping opened.

"Iruka really liked you." She continued, a finger mere millimetres from his face pointing at him accusingly. "I can't believe you would hurt him like that." She stated, her voice rising. "I mean honestly."

"What… what are you?" Kakashi started to ask. He trailed off as murmurs of agreeance chorused around the room. He tore his face from Anko's, looking at the people sitting around him, angry glares all directed at him. His heart sped up, his knees felt weak.

"I never pegged you as a cheater." Anko added somewhat casually as Kakashi brought his hand to his face. He never heard the rest of her lecture, forming a sign and disappearing in a puff of smoke before everyone's eyes.

OoOoOoOo

 _Finally…_

Iruka thought to himself, sagging down on to his comfy sofa with a cup of steamy tea in hand. He breathed in deep, the calming scent of the drink soothing him.

 _I was wrong. This was worth the shitty day._

He smiled to himself as he took a quick sip. His eyes closed as he leaned back, his muscles relaxing in to the chair behind him.

He opened his eyes, scolding his hand as he jumped in fright.

"You!" An enraged Copy Ninja shouted, hands on hips, face inches from his and smoke swirling around him.

Iruka gaped, terror flashed through his eyes.

 _Oh fuck…_


	10. Chapter 10

"What?" Iruka stammered. "How did you…?"

"Get in?" Kakashi asked, ripping his mask away from his face and bearing his teeth. "This is MY apartment!" He practically screamed, rage evident in every syllable, every small movement of his body. He was literally shaking. The urge to taste blood rising in his gut as he loomed over the defenseless Chunin who shifted uncomfortably. He was no match for Kakashi and he knew it. "Why?!" Kakashi asked, his voice sharp with the edge of danger.

"Why… what?" Iruka asked, really not wanting to aggravate the situation why admitting he had no idea what this outburst was in reference to.

"Why do people think that _I_ cheated on _YOU_?" He growled, eye twitching as he fought for control.

Confusion flittered across the Chunin's face. His brown eyes conveying no rancor. He shook his head slowly, not sure how to answer.

"I… I don't… do they? Sorry I don't know what you mean?" He stuttered, raising his hands in a small surrender.

"Anko just accused _me_ of cheating on _you_. She said it was a shitty thing _I_ did to _you_. That you really liked me." He said slightly softer, his voice on the edge of breaking. "The general consensus was that I'm a pretty crappy person if the glare's people have been sending my way all day are any indication. Fuck me Iruka, if you're trying to ruin my life at least be man enough to admit that's what you're doing." He finished, breathing hard as his voice finally cracked on the last word.

"I'm not doing anything…" Iruka answered honestly, taking the opportunity to slip out from under Kakashi's sullen form while he was momentarily passive. "Seriously Kakashi… I'm not trying to ruin your life. I'm sorry for what I did I don't know how many times I have to say it before it sinks in but I am. I was actually just thinking that I should move my stuff out so you can move back in." He said, gesturing around the room. "I don't know where Anko got that idea." He lied, swallowing the lump in his throat at the thought of Tenzou. What Genma had said was just a rumor. He was a gossip mill all on his own that man.

Iruka reached out slowly, pausing before his hand touched the other man's arm. Kakashi made no move to get out of his reach so he encircled in gently and pulled him towards the kitchen table. He pulled out a chair and gestured to it. The other man sat heavily as he moved around the table to sit on the other side. They were facing each other now, like they had on so many other occasions. It seemed years ago they were sitting like this, eating breakfast together, pausing occasionally to get lost in each other's eyes. But in reality it had only been a couple of weeks.

"I heard a rumor today." The Chunin stated softly, resting his forearms on the table and looking up in to the other's lone grey eye. Kakashi threw him a questioning look before letting his gaze fall to the hands wringing together in his lap. He hadn't come here to gossip. He'd come here to beat the shit out of someone. But Iruka seemed sincere. He supposed he should hear him out before slicing his throat. "That you and Tenzou are…." He trailed of, twirling his hand in a 'you know what I mean' kind of manner.

Kakashi looked back up, his eye locking on to brown orbs. He hadn't expected to see sadness in them. But Iruka never was very good at hiding his emotions. His large expressive eyes gave him away. Kakashi's chest tightened at the sight. He nodded slowly.

"So what if we are?" He asked, forcing the edge back in to his voice. It wasn't fair. Iruka wasn't allowed to be hurt. That's not the way these things work.

 _He's a liar you idiot. He's lying. He's faking it._

His brain screamed as the eyes disengaged from his, looking away on purpose.

"We've barely been broken up for a week and you're in bed with someone else. I thought you had more dignity than that." He sneered. This time there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to hurt Kakashi with his words.

He jumped as Kakashi's fist slammed down hard on the table.

"We weren't broken up at all and you were in bed with someone else. Don't try and make me feel guilty, I will pull you off your high horse so fucking fast!" He shouted, his rage returning with a vengeance.

"Yeah okay calm down." Iruka, snapped, annoyed at his own jitteriness.

"Don't guilt me…" Kakashi repeated, softer. "Tenzou makes me happy after you broke me. I'm happy with him."

"With?" Iruka asked, his eyes wide. Kakashi, realising his mistake made to correct it, his mouth opening and then closing again. He wanted to nod, to agree, to make Iruka feel the sick feeling he had felt in his stomach for the last week. "Are you serious? What the fuck Kakashi? You already have a new partner?" He bellowed, his own temper getting the better of him.

"That's not what I came here to... discuss." The Jonin answered, not wanting to say he was unabashedly single. But not wanting to lie at the same time. He let the mistake go uncorrected.

 _This man works with Genma. If it gets around that I said we are together and Tenzou hears it from someone else he won't be happy I used him. Not after our talk. But… I never said we were together… at least I didn't mean it like that. I just didn't correct the assumption._

"Then what did you come here to discuss?" Iruka hissed, sounding like he was thinking about doing some throat slicing of his own.

"People think I cheated on you." Kakashi answered flatly, waiting for an explanation.

"Well I didn't tell them that." His ex spat incredulously.

"Well someone said it and you didn't correct them." He said, ignoring his hypocrisy.

"I assumed everyone knew the truth. It was pretty obvious something was up thanks to your _episode_. Then I told people we had broken up. I didn't say why because frankly I assumed you had bad mouthed me all around the village."

"Why would I do that?" Kakashi asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. Iruka stared, no answers coming to him. "Everyone already thought you were too good for me." He continued. "They thought I didn't know. But I heard them whispering. Why would I advertise the fact that they were right?" He asked, a small whimper ending his sentence for him.

Iruka opened his mouth, his compassion urging him to comfort but his brain wanting to scream.

"I'm not too good for you. That's stupid. If anything you're too good for me." He said quietly.

Kakashi kept his head down, tears brimming in his eyes as he tried hard to keep his voice even.

"You need to set things right." He stated. "You need to tell people what happened. The whole truth Iruka. No matter how humiliating it is for me."

 _Humiliating._

Iruka thought, looking away from Kakashi's shaking shoulders. He had never really thought about it like that before. He knew his lover was self-conscious. He spent all his time pretending he didn't care what people thought of him when in reality that was probably the thing he worried about the most. It had never occurred to him that what he had done to Kakashi would be considered humiliating on his part. He had only thought about how embarrassing it would be for himself to be found out. He had never stopped to think that people might assume Kakashi wasn't a good partner, which was what had lead Iruka to cheat. He just assumed everyone would think him a terrible person.

He tried to imagine how he would feel if Kakashi cheated on him and realised that the embarrassment he must be feeling was overwhelming. Hell he was embarrassed earlier in the day when Genma had mentioned Tenzou. He hated the thought that someone pitied him, or thought that he wasn't good enough, even if it was heart-warming to know he still had friends.

 _He broke down in front of the Hokage… In front of me… probably in front of Tenzou. He's always felt inadequate. People staring at him, whispering. He must be dying inside._

Kakashi straightened, his eyes no longer glassy, but the rest of his face conveying so readily the hurt he kept inside his heart.

"I really am sorry." Iruka whispered, reaching across the table. The Jonin eyed his opened palm before slowly slipping his hand in to it. It was squeezed tight for a second, before the other hand slipped back to its owners lap. Kakashi felt silly resting his hand half way across the table and moved it back to his own lap.

He nodded. He wasn't sure if Iruka's apology was sincere. Giving that man that benefit of the doubt had not worked in his favour in the past.

He sat back in his chair, looking around his small apartment and wishing desperately he could just walk in to the bedroom and fall asleep. The different emotions running through his body exhausting him more than a sparring session with Gai.

His brain felt heavy. His eyes tired.

"Why don't you stay here tonight?" Iruka asked, standing and nodding towards the bedroom his ex was eyeing longingly. "It is _your_ apartment after all."

"No." Kakashi answered simply. The thought suddenly making him feel sick. He realised he couldn't think of anything worse than sleeping in the bed he had shared with the man that betrayed him

A small smile curved his lips as his eyes rested on the Chunin.

"Why are you smiling?" Iruka asked, arms folded.

"Because I've made a decision." Kakashi grinned.

OoOoOoOo

"So you and Kakashi?" Asuma asked, taking a drag from is cigarette and waiting. Knowing that his friend would fill in the rest of the details if and when he wanted to.

"No." Tenzou answered nervously. Asuma nodded, staring straight ahead for a second before turning to look in to dark almond pools.

"No you're not together. Or no you're not even thinking about it."

"We're not together." He answered simply, taking a sip from his drink to try and dispel the awkwardness.

"Kakashi is damaged goods. You know that right?" Asuma smiled, tapping his cig on the edge of the garden bench they were sitting on. "I mean don't get me wrong I love the guy. I respect him like all hell but he's batshit insane."

Tenzou nodded, a smile of his own creeping across his lips.

"I know."

Asuma chuckled, taking another drag before dropping the butt on to the ground and stamping it out with his sandal.

"Kakashi's fragile. He pretends like he's top shit and nothing bothers him. But he's not. Everything bothers him. Sometimes I worry that his own insecurities will be his undoing. He's not the kind of guy to enter in to a relationship willy nilly. He's sort of like a swan. When he loves, he loves hard. He mates for life, so to speak. Unfortunately for him he paired off with a dolphin and has been treated accordingly. Trust is a big thing for him. Iruka wasn't his first love, but he was the first person he ever let in to his life. Even then there were some things I'm sure even that arsehole still doesn't know about."

Tenzou nodded again. His thoughts turning to the small stuffed dog. The way Kakashi had held it so tenderly. His eyes filled with unguarded insecurity as he shoved it in his pocket that first day. The ANBU's gut twisted at the thought of himself pitying Kakashi. He hated knowing that if his friend was to ever find out he would be mortified. But he couldn't help it. The man had experienced an incredibly sad life.

 _Worse than mine…_

He thought to himself as he considered the fact that no matter how lonely he was, it was nothing compared to feeling the loss of everyone he ever loved, coupled with the crippling loneliness that followed death.

He had parents of course. Somewhere. But he never knew them. Or if he did, he didn't remember it. Until he was rescued by Danzo his life consisted of nothing other than a tube, barely wide enough to fit his small body in. He had no sense of anything other than the water bubbling around him and the girl floating in front of him.

He had watched her die. Screamed silently as he watched the water drain from her tank. Scratched at the glass frantically as she took her first and last breath.

He thought about her often, although he never spoke it. She was his first memory and one he wished every day he could forget.

"If you're going to pursue a relationship with Kakashi I have only one piece of advice." Asuma drawled. His gruff voice ripping Tenzou from his thoughts and forcing him to focus on the matter at hand. He could wallow in self-pity later, when he was alone. When Kakashi was better. "Always be prepared for the worst. Even when he seems happy. I just don't think he'll survive another loss."

OoOoOoOo

"So…" Tenzou started, slumping down on to the couch next to his friend. He had been racking his brain for almost 20 minutes trying to think of something to say. He was aware that Kakashi hadn't been present for his conversation with Asuma but he couldn't help feeling slightly awkward.

Asuma had given him some insight in to the private person that was Kakashi Hatake. His suspicions had been confirmed when the burly man had mentioned the Copy Ninja's mental well being. He was aware that he was emotionally damaged. He had his reasons to be. But that didn't stop the feelings of helplessness twisting in his stomach when it had been confirmed.

He had been taking care of Kakashi for a while now. He was confident he knew how to handle him when and if he was to have a proper break. But what Asuma had said about preparing for the worst had scared him. He had breathed a sigh of relief for his comrade's improvement. But it seemed as though this is the point he should be watching him even more closely.

 _Even when he seems happy._

The words had been repeating over and over again in his mind since he left the other man's house.

"So?" Kakashi asked, repeating his friend's earlier inquiry when it was not followed up.

"How did your check up go?" He asked lamely, just wanting to get the ball rolling.

"I'm okay." The Jonin answered simply, nodding his head as if to reinforce the answer.

"So then why do you look like shit?" Tenzou asked with a small smile. Kakashi looked at him astonishingly, his eyes shining with sadness. "I mean… You're hot as always but… You look like shit." Tenzou clarified, a small blush spreading across his cheeks at his confession.

"I had a… Um… Altercation with Iruka this afternoon." He answered somewhat cryptically.

"An altercation?" The ANBU repeated, his smile widening involuntarily. Kakashi nodded again, not really wanting to talk about it but having to at the same time.

"Apparentlyyyy…" He began, dragging out the word to reiterate how skeptical he was. "People are under the impression that _I_ cheated on _him_. So I went over there to _straighten it out_." He finished with a slight growl.

"What do you mean?!" Tenzou gaped, rage coursing through him.

"I mean Anko accused me of cheating. She told me I'm a shitty person and that he really loved me and… and I… couldn't deal with it Ten…" He almost whispered as he looked away. Tenzou squelched the rage in his heart, putting it aside for the moment as he pulled Kakashi toward him by the arm. He leaned back in to the arm of the chair. Then without protest, positioned the Copy Ninja until his head was lying on his chest and he could stroke his hair with ease. "She's not the only one that thinks that either." He whispered. "Everyone's so mad with me. I feel like a naughty child." He closed his eyes, shutting them tight as his arms slipped around his friend's waist.

They sat for a minute, the silence broken by the steady drum of Tenzou's heart. Kakashi felt himself start to calm him as he listened like his life depended on it. His hands were tense, creasing the back of Tenzou's shirt as he slowly relaxed in to the embrace. He slowly let go of the other man, his hand coming up to rest on his chest as his breathing started to slow right down.

Tenzou smiled as he realised Kakashi was falling asleep. He had planned to keep the conversation going. Actually he had planned to teleport to wherever Iruka was and beat the shit out of him. But this was much nicer than anything else he had planned to do.

He let his own eyes flutter closed as he tightened his hold on his precious cargo. He wouldn't let this man succumb to his emotions. He would fight to keep him alive until he himself had taken his last breath.

OoOoOoOo

"What's he embarrassed about though?" Misumi asked lazily. She stretched her arms out like a cat basking in the sun before pulling them back down and draping one over her lover's naked chest.

"He thinks he wasn't good enough for me." Iruka answered softly, feeling guilt wash over him again at his words.

"So did you straighten it out then?" She asked, nuzzling her nose against his jaw. He smiled, pulling her closer.

"I did. He deserves that much. I told Genma that I cheated on him and that's why he was in the hospital and that now he is in Tenzou's care. I also told him not to repeat that, which means everyone probably knows by now. Which of course, was the plan."

"But won't telling everyone he had a breakdown embarrass him more?" She asked, propping herself up on one elbow, her eyes glinting at him in the darkened room.

"Hey! He told me to straighten it out no matter how humiliating it is for him." He replied defensively.

"Okay… I was just asking." She snickered, leaning down to kiss him slowly.

"I'm kind of annoyed he's in a relationship already. I mean he had a breakdown over me. But he's fucking someone else?"

"You're one to talk." She scoffed, shaking her head. She had succeeded in getting what she wanted. Kakashi was officially out of the picture and she was happy. But there was a small part of her that predicted Iruka wasn't as content as she was and she hated when she saw clear evidence of it.

"I know but _we_ aren't in a relationship." He whispered back. "I'm still a hypocrite. I know I treated him like shit. But I still love him."

Misumi narrowed her eyes, shoving a hand down hard on his chest and using it to push herself up. She kissed him passionately, straddling him as she did so.

"I'll make you forget all about him." She panted between heated kisses.


	11. Chapter 11

This chapter is edited down for the M rating. The explicit version is posted on Archive of our own. To read, please copy the link below and paste in to your browser after the AO3 website name.

/works/3171836/chapters/7348469

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi paced the room nervously. Tenzou had been gone for a while. He had been called upon by the Hokage just after dinner and he hadn't returned since.

 _Has he been sent on a mission? No… He would have had to gather this things before something like that. He would have come back here first…_

He stopped himself in front of the kitchen window, forcing himself to sit on the seat in front of him and think positively.

 _Something could have happened to him… What if he was mugged? No… that stupid. He's a Shinobi. I should have more faith in his skills._

He hugged his knees, looking out over the vast expanse that was the leaf village. Or what he could see of it anyway. His eyes fell to the neon sign coming off the second floor of the building next to him.

 _All night liquor store… This is such a shitty place._

The click of the lock on the front door made him jump slightly. The jingle of keys accompanied by a long exasperated sigh signalling that his friend was home safe. Kakashi stood, wringing his hands nervously as he waited for the other man to acknowledge him.

He had been just about to ask him, before he was called away. It had taken all day to muster up the courage and in the long hours of his absence it had slowly slipped away again. But he had to ask now, before he was called away again. Before it was too late.

Tenzou looked up and smiled kindly, his tired eyes giving away his state of mind.

"I didn't think you would be up." He stated as he chucked his keys in the bowl by the door and made his way in to the bedroom. Kakashi followed, hovering behind him as he changed in to his pyjamas, forgoing a shower all together.

"I was waiting for you." He said softly, his voice sounding way too small for his liking. Tenzou turned to him and grinned sheepishly, a blush colouring his cheeks.

"Why?"

"If you didn't come home, I was going to look for you."

Tenzou eyed him questionably and he felt he should continue.

"The last time I just went to bed instead of waiting for someone to come home it didn't end very well for me." He said with a strong swallow. "I didn't want to make that mistake again."

Tenzou felt his cheeks grow hotter as he turned away. They had talked about this. Kakashi was just being friendly.

"Can I ask you something?" Kakashi asked, as he studied his friend.

"Of course." Tenzou answered, a smile on his lips.

"Why do you live here?"

"What?"

"Why do you live here? Like, in this apartment specifically. It's not really the best part of town." He said doubtfully, looking out the window.

"Oh… well… The rent is cheap, the apartment is all I need, as a Shinobi I don't really have to worry about petty crime like the civilian's do so… why move?" He chuckled. "I may as well save my money… in case someday I do want something better for myself or… you know. For my family." He finished weakly, he was sure by now that his cheeks were actually on fire. The realisation he had actually said that even though he didn't have a family extremely disconcerting. It was a silly pipe dream that would probably never come to fruition.

 _I'm saving for nothing…_

He thought meekly, his heart sinking. Kakashi nodded in understanding. He had been saving without a cause for most of his life as well. But he liked living in a nicer part of town. Just because he was a ninja didn't mean people wouldn't try and rob him. Sure they would get their neck broken or at the very least a Kunai to the face, if they tried. But it was nice to be able to sleep a fraction easier knowing someone wasn't going to try and rob him for his TV. All he had to worry about in his neighbourhood was the countless deadly assassins after the bounty on his head.

"That's what I thought… I get it." He grinned, looking up in to his friend's eyes. "So… um… I was thinking…" He began. The courage that had been slowly building wavered. He crossed the small room, walking over to his friend and taking his hand. Tenzou eyed him, feeling incredibly nervous all of the sudden. Kakashi placed the hand on his arm and Tenzou squeezed it firmly. The Jonin smiled, the feeling of being grounded by his anchor making his knees feel weak.

"You were thinking…?" The ANBU asked, encouraging his friend to continue.

"I was thinking that maybe, if you wanted… We could save money together…" He finished lamely, hoping his meaning was understood.

"Are you asking to move in?" Tenzou smirked, knowing full well that's what Kakashi meant. The silver haired man nodded awkwardly.

"I was thinking that if I moved in here… we would both be able to save heaps of money and then you know… use it to buy our own place, somewhere nicer… where we could start our family." He finished, his mouth dry.

There was a second of silence. It felt like a century. Kakashi opened his mouth to take back what he had said, thinking he had horribly misread the situation.

A tongue slipped slowly in to his mouth, a hand cradling the back of his head.

"I love you." Tenzou panted, pushing Kakashi down on to the bed behind him. He let himself fall and within a second the brunette was on top of him, straddling his thighs and kissing him to the point of bleeding lips.

"I want to… give you everything." Kakashi panted, his hips bucking up so his clothed erection rubbed against his lover's. He opened his eyes to stare in to Tenzou's almond pools as they over flowed. Salty tears hit his cheeks and he lapped at them hungrily, hands fisting in the dark head of hair. "I love you." He breathed, wrapping his legs around bulky hips and pulling himself up to grind their arousals together.

"Fuck." Tenzou gasped, rolling them over so the other man was straddling him. "You're on top this time." He stated bluntly, his voice husky. Kakashi nodded eagerly, using his thumbs to gently wipe the tears from under his lover's eyes.

OoOoOoOo

Kakashi fell on top of his lover, breathing hard, mouth opened as he struggled to pull himself back from wherever he had gone.

Tenzou's strong arms wrapped around him, holding him still as he regained his composure.

"I love you." Kakashi said again, turning his head to the side so his breath ghosted on his partner's cheek.

"I love you too." Tenzou smiled, squeezing him tight once before rolling Kakashi off him. He pulled him back so his head was on his chest. "God I love you." He reiterated, his face beaming.

"I fucking love you." Kakashi choked, as he listened to the man's rapidly beating heart. He couldn't think of anywhere he would rather be. His head on Tenzou's chest was his favourite position in the world. He never wanted to move.

 _I never have to…_

He thought thankfully as his heart skipped a beat.

OoOoOoOo

 ** _Hours before_**

"You wanted to see me M'lady?" Tenzou asked, bowing slightly as he approached her desk.

"Yes I have a favour to ask you." She stated bluntly, not looking up from the paper in front of her.

He waited, looking around the room awkwardly when she didn't continue. Stepping forward slightly he leaned closer to her desk.

"Lady Tsunade?" He asked again.

"Sit." She instructed, pointing to a chair slightly to the right of the front of her desk. He did as he was told, sitting heavily and resting his forearms on his knees. "What's Kakashi doing at the moment?" She asked, stamping a form and organising it neatly atop a pile.

"Um… probably waiting for me to get back." He answered honestly, taken aback by the question. Kakashi had taken to waiting on him when he left. He pretended like he had better things to do but they both knew he didn't. He was lonely when Tenzou was gone and always waiting for him like a love sick puppy when he returned.

"Good." She smiled wickedly, making eye contact with him for the first time. "Let's make him wait for a little while. He needs to work out how to be alone now that he's gotten better."

Tenzou's mouth dropped opened as his brows furrowed in a frown. He tried to protest, telling her Kakashi needed him and this was cruel. But she waved him off with a cheeky grin.

"Trust me brat. This will be good for you." She said gently, pushing her work aside to lean back and stare at him eagerly. "Now, I think it's time to give me your mission report."

OoOoOoOo

As his hand absently stroked through silver hair Tenzou wondered to himself if she was right. He wondered if things would have gone any differently had he stayed home after dinner. A few hours of listening to Tsunade complain about her gambling losses had taken a toll on his own mental health. But before that, getting to spend a couple of hours talking about his favourite person in the world made it worth it. Even if he did technically have to disclose everything that had happened between them for the sake of the mission. He found he didn't care. He was extremely eager to report to Tsunade the next day and officially sign off his mission as complete.

THE END

OoOoOoOo

There is a sequel to this story called Chisel Through the Heart. I am currently working on editing out graphic scenes which unfortunately means the story loses whole chapters. It is available to read on AO3.

/works/3506282/chapters/7707167


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